Resonance

Joy Dare: Week 4

2012-01-31T08:26:00.003-06:00

A full month of gratitude.
Every day, counting just three.
Three little things for which I am thankful.

Writing them down.
Savoring them.
Finding in myself a new kind of creativity.
A creativity of the eye - a learning to SEE instead of learning to DO.

As January comes to a close, the weather warm and spring-like, I have made it through the darkest part of winter. Despite the January that never felt like true winter, I step into February aware of the lengthening days, reminded that the dark days all have a dawn. December - with the year's longest night - and January - the year's typically coldest month in Kentucky - are a thing of the past.

My heart floods with gratitude for the season that hints even now at its arrival.

71. The light as it strikes Addie's brilliant blue necklace
72. Warm chili on a cold day
73. A challenge to stand in the gap for the oppressed
74. A doctor's wisdom
75. Good medical insurance
76. Having some answers
77. Laughter
78. A week full of chapel services
79. Crisp stars in the clear winter sky
80. A child who calls me "mommy"
81. Laughing with my husband
82. A job I love
83. Honest conversation
84. Flexibility
85. Grace in my shortcomings
86. Rich Mullins' lyrics
87. The reminder to Breathe
88. A full 30 minutes to talk to my Grandmother
89. Jacob's story seen new
90. Old hymns finding new voice
91. The joy of time as a family
92. Kisses from Katie
93. A healthy interaction in a difficult situation
94. Jane
95. Stepping across the threshold into another month of counting

95 moments of gratitude in 31 days.
95 opportunities for the Christ to whisper in my ear
Countless times the whisper went unheard, too busy to notice it.
But for those 95.

95 moments changing me.
95 opportunities to say Thank You.
95 pauses in a busy life.

In the stillness of this moment, I am overcome with the joy I might never have noticed if it were not for The Dare.

Joy Dare: Week 3

2012-01-23T09:50:00.003-06:00

The more I seek Joy, the easier it becomes to find it.
Yesterday I had the opportunity to absorb two "unrelated" sermons, using different texts, speaking different messages.
And yet, I heard only one.

Joy works the same way for me.
The more I am enmeshed in the practice of seeking Joy, the more it resonates together. The more different places I look, the more I find the same themes over and over again.

I find that which brings me True Joy, not just momentary happiness.
My prayer is that this month of searching diligently for Joy every day is teaching me about myself.
I pray it is teaching me where I go when I need to be recharged.
That it is telling me more than just that the Source is always God -- that God manifests in countless ways and my purpose now is to find the manifestations that stir my soul.

I am finding that.
Grace is being poured out on my soul.
Thus, hope is being rekindled.

52. "Remove the plank from your own eye."
53. "I will not leave you as orphans."
54. "Be still and know."
55. Food-packed shelves
56. A rain-free day
57. Friends through a mutual heart for adoption
58. The flecks in Ella's eyes
59. Fingerprints completely unique
60. The "extra" dimples in her cheeks - the tiny ones hidden near the crease of her smile
61. Giant, slow raindrops
62. Brilliant lightning
63. Ferocious storms
64. A safe shelter from the storms
65. No longer fearing the flood
66. "Learning to surf"
67. Throwing down the nets that bind
68. Worship
69. Round communion tables - a visual reminder of that which we teach every week
70. Freedom.

It is Grace that shakes loose the bindings on my soul.

Joy Dare, Week 2

2012-01-17T11:24:00.002-06:00

The discipline of counting daily is changing me.
I am learning to stop, to consider the world around me.
I am learning to cherish these moments, for they are fleeting.
I am reminded that without the tears, the joys would go unnoticed.
I am reminded that this is a good life; a life worthy of our attentiveness.
I am choosing to give it to the Grace Giver.
I am choosing Gratitude.
And it is filling me with Joy.

28. The tang of a cherry
29. The way the chocolate on a healthy breakfast bar makes it taste like a treat
30. Baby carrots crunching
31. The flesh of an orange
32. Crisp new folders
33. Book-lined shelves
34. Fluffy white snowflakes
35. A warm, cozy office
36. Memories in frames
37. Silence
38. Ella's giggle
39. Shovels scraping away the snow
40. January birthdays
41. Alexander's new hands, so tiny and soft
42. Cousins playing together
43. A Mother necklace from Ella
44. A picture of all 4 great grandchildren
45. Shared tears over parenting struggles
46. Ella's delight in her own success
47. Finley's belly laugh
48. Papa's soothing "love pats" at naptime
49. A fantastic boss's honesty
50. Copprome orphanage
51. Rain-soaked streets

Renewing a Commitment

2012-01-09T10:16:00.004-06:00

I choose to begin again at 1.
Because this year will be different.
This year I will count - just three gifts a day - to 1000.

The graces from last year's attempts were significant, but this is a fresh start.
And so I begin with 1.

A new commitment
Health restored
Compassion for those who are hurting
The brisk, cold air
A warm fireplace
Soft, warm, rolls on a plate
"Never Ever Give Up" uttered by a dying 12 year-old
"Can I help?" spoken by a stranger
"I love you, daddy" whispered by a daughter
Sheri's laughter
Alexander's new life
Warm, sunny skies in January
Reading The Dance of the Dissident Daughter
Warm, sweet oatmeal
Returning to a desk of good work after a long vacation
The phone that makes the distances seem shorter
The crisp, cold juice of an apple
Ella's extra kisses as she climbed out of the car
Finley's face on Skype
A call from my dad
An incredible gift from Chris
Light gleaming below a baptismal bowl
Sunlight through stained glass
My dog lying in the shadow of mini-blind slats, warm and peaceful
Warm tea in my hands
Ben's computer expertise
Walking with purpose

Not My Child!

2011-12-05T13:55:00.002-06:00

I rarely participate in "not me" Monday because I never remember my week well enough. But this week I had a few "not my child" gems to share. So here they are!

I certainly didn't have THIS conversation with my 7 year-old daughter the other night:
Me: E, I didn't have this many gray hairs before I became a mom. Are these your fault?
E: No!!!!
Dad: (whispering to E) tell her it's because she's getting old!
Me: E, tell your daddy he'll always be older than I am.
E: Hmm ... I wonder which of you will last the longest.

No, not MY child!
My child would NEVER be planning for my demise.

My child would also never want to make her dad a giant Christmas present ("The World's Biggest Cubs Ball") out of "all the junk cans and things in the recycling bin". She'd never try to weasel things out of me at the store by saying, "But I'll need a LOT of it to make dad's Christmas present!" Nope, my child would never do such a thing. We teach fiscal responsibility at our house.

And my child would never, ever, beg for hints of what's in the presents under the tree. Nope! My child is the epitome of patience. And when I did tell my child that she wasn't getting any more hints, my child certainly would never beg for them. My child knows that "no means no." Of course she does! Because we never reconsider what we've told her. Nope, not us! We're the perfect parents.

One last one. We visited a different church yesterday because her dad was supply preaching. Upon preparing my child for the fact that there may not be Children's Worship at this church, my child understood and was fine with it. When we got to the church, my child most definitely did not look at the bulletin and say in her most exasperated tone, "I knew this place wasn't going to be any fun!" Nope, not my child. Not the double preacher's kid. She loves church and goes just for the sake of worship.

What have you and your kids NOT been doing this week?

30 Years of Waiting

2011-12-01T07:33:00.005-06:00

30 years ago today, I was probably so excited for Christmas to get here!
30 years ago today, I was probably very annoyed with my 18 month old sister.
30 years ago today, the world had no idea what our world was about to face.

In 1981*, doctors were seeing an increase in rare diseases usually found only among the elderly, in gay men. Cancers and lung diseases began showing up that no one knew quite how to treat. Within the next year, doctors and the CDC began speculating that these diseases were actually caused by a syndrome affecting the immune system. The syndrome went through a variety of names before the term AIDS was adopted in September of 1982.

By July of 1982, a total of 452 cases of the syndrome, from 23 states had been reported to the CDC. In May of 1983, doctors at the Institute Pasteur in France reported that they had isolated a new virus, which they suggested might be the cause of AIDS.

It was around this same time that people began to develop theories about AIDS transmission. It was also around this time that I began to be aware of people's fear of AIDS. I can remember lying in my grandma's bed with her, having spent the night at her house and unable to sleep, listening to the radio late in the evening. The conversation on that talk radio show was about how we get AIDS. I remember being terrified when they mentioned that some doctors even suspected you could get it from drinking fountains and swimming pools used by AIDS-infected persons.

The world was frightened by an epidemic that was spreading quickly.
We watched as science tried to keep pace with a disease we couldn't control.

April 22, 1984, the CDC's Dr. Mason reported, "I believe we have the cause of AIDS." The very next day, the US Health & Human Services Secretary reported, "We hope to have a vaccine ready for testing in about 2 years."

As we all know, it wasn't that simple.
It still isn't.

30 years we've been living with this.
30 years it has been killing off people.
10 years or more we've known how to prevent it, how to put it into remission, and how to keep it from spreading.

And yet, we are still losing ground.
We're making progress.
But more people are diagnosed every day than are put on AntiRetroViral Therapy.

This is what World AIDS Day is about.

Since 1988, World AIDS Day has been held on December 1st worldwide.
It's about awareness.
It's about education.
It's about funding.

But for the faith community, it's also about Advent.

For 30 years we've been waiting for a day when this epidemic would be gone.
When we'd no longer have to worry.
When children would no longer lose both of their parents to disease.

It's about hope.

AIDS has - perhaps - brought this world together more than anything else in my lifetime.
Arabs, Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Buddhists, Conservatives, Liberals, Old, Children, every color, every nation, every tribe, every socio-economic status, every culture wants AIDS eradicated. Everywhere there are disease scientists, there are people working to end this.

As a world, we long for the day when we can stand together and proclaim God's goodness in helping us to live free of this affliction.

Isaiah saw it this way:

2:2 In days to come the mountain of the Lord's house shall be established as the highest of the mountains, and shall be raised above the hills; all the nations shall stream to it.
2:3 Many peoples shall come and say, "Come, let us go up to the mountain of the LORD, to the house of the God of Jacob; that he may teach us his ways and that we may walk in his paths." For out of Zion shall go forth instruction, and the word of the LORD from Jerusalem.
2:4 He shall judge between the nations, and shall arbitrate for many peoples; they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruning hooks; nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more.

My deepest prayer is that when that day comes - when AIDS is finally a memory as distant as the Plague - that we will remember.

I pray we will remember the tenacity with which we worked for this.
I pray we will remember the cooperation among nations.
I pray we will remember the deep grief we felt when we first touched a square of the AIDS quilt.
I pray we will remember those who lived and died trying to fight this.
I pray we will remember that we are all on this journey together.

I pray we will find peace.

*Data taken from websites for World AIDS Day, World Health Organization, and AVERT.

A Prayer for the Everyday Life

2011-11-29T08:00:00.005-06:00

At Candler I was introduced to a theologian by the name of Karl Rahner. Rahner was a German, which would normally bristle me as soon as I heard it. German thinkers are notoriously long-winded and complex in their writings. But Rahner is different. He writes in a way that pierces my soul. I have a collection of his prayers on my shelf, and it is a favorite among my sources of encouragement. Today, as we all find ourselves back in the "routine" after Thanksgiving and before Christmas, I wanted to share some excerpts from a prayer that has meant a lot to me. Rahner continues to encourage me, and I pray you will find some encouragement in his words, as well.

During this time of preparation, may we all find new ways to encounter the Holy who came in such an ordinary way.

Grace and Peace,
Erin

I should like to bring the routine of my daily life before you, O Lord, to discuss the long days and tedious hours that are filled with everything else but You.

Look at this routine, O God of Mildness. Look upon us who are practically nothing else but routine. In Your loving mercy, look at my soul, a road crowded by a dense and endless column of bedraggled refugees, a bomb-pocked highway on which countless trivialities, much empty talk and pointless activity, idle curiosity and ludicrous pretensions of importance all roll forward in a never-ending stream. When it stands before You and Your infallible Truthfulness, doesn't my soul look just like a marketplace where the secondhand dealers from all corners of the globe have assembled to sell the shabby riches of the world?

What will become of me, dear God, if my life goes on like this? What will happen to me when all the crates are suddenly swept out of the warehouse? How will I feel at the hour of my death? Then there will be no more "daily routine"; then I shall suddenly be abandoned by all the things that now fill up my days here on earth. ... Maybe then I shall see the few precious instants when the grace of Your love has succeeded in stealing into an obscure corner of my life, in between the countless bales of second-hand goods that fill up my every day routine.

When I think of all the hours I have spent at Your holy altar, ... it becomes clear to me that I myself am responsible for making my life so humdrum. It's not the affairs of the world that make my days dull and insignificant; I myself have dug the rut.

Through my own attitude I can transform the holiest events into the grey tedium of dull routine. My days don't make me dull -- it's the other way around.

That's why I now see clearly that, if there is any path at all on which I can approach You, it must lead through the very middle of my ordinary daily life. ... I must learn to have both "everyday" and Your day in the same exercise. In devoting myself to the works of the world, I must learn to give myself to You, to possess You, the One and Only Thing, in everything.

So what should I say to You now, as I come to lay my everyday routine before You? There is only one thing I can beg for, and that is Your most ordinary and most exalted gift, the grace of Your Love. ... Touch my heart with this grace, O Lord. When I reach out in joy or in sorrow for the things of this world, grant that through them I may know and love You, their Maker and final home.

Amen.

A Season of Waiting: Hope

2011-11-27T19:09:00.001-06:00

Anticipation has flooded my soul today.

Today I got to surprise a whole bunch of children at First Christian Church.
I walked in the room and allowed them to figure out that I was there.
As the murmurs of "Erin's here" spread across the room, the hugs ensued.

It was fun.

During worship, Solomon McKeel was dedicated. Several years of waiting for their son came to another level of fruition today as Scott and Julie gave him back to God in gratitude of the gift he is to all of us.

It was a time of rejoicing.

And as I drove the nearly-five-hours in the rain to the home I'd been missing for days, I anticipated again. I looked forward to a hug from my husband. I was eager to find "my spot" on the couch, beside him, and talk. I was ready to unpack, relax, and settle back in to my routine. When I walked in, relief flooded my soul.

It was a time of peace.

This is Advent to me. A time of fun. A time of rejoicing. A time of peace. Advent is not just anticipation of the 25th of December. It is anticipation of the already and the not yet. It is the first of the year for the church. It is a season of preparation. Advent is a time to look with new eyes to the past - to the child coming in a manger - in anticipation of the future. The world where we will no longer pray for peace, we will worship the Prince of Peace. Advent is a chance to slow down, to start again, to look once more for the Hope that gets lost in the year.

May your Advent be a time of hope.
May you find new ways for the "already" to shape your "not yet" as you celebrate.
May you live in such a way as to bring about the Kingdom.

Anticipate that for which every soul longs.

A Season of Thanks: Day 25

2011-11-25T12:57:00.002-06:00

Today I am thankful for - and missing - my huge extended in-law family.

I love when we all get together. The small cousins are typically running and playing, usually involving some game the adults are supposed to join. The older cousins join the adults in conversation. We laugh, we joke, we pick on one another, we talk about nothing and everything.

This group of people is loyal to the core!

I love that about them. When one of us is hurting, the whole group is right there to be a part of it - to support one another.

When someone is angry with a member of this family, I hope you're ready because this group is ready to fight to defend each other.

When the time came for Chris and I to tell them we wanted to move to Lexington, the room was met with tears - tears of joy for us and tears of sadness. This is a close-knit group, and it didn't seem right for one of the families not to be a part of it on a regular basis.

I miss them.

I always wondered what it would be like to have in-laws. Not just parent in-laws, but a whole family of them. The truth of the matter is, I love it! It's like having a big bunch of built-in friends that have no choice but to hang out with you. :)

I love the way they've taken me in as family. So easily. I'm just as comfortable talking to my new brothers in-law as I am Annie's husband, who I've known for 10 years or so. I can tease with them and not have to worry if they understood what I meant. I can be gut-wrenchingly honest with them if I so choose. They were eager to have me as a part of their family before Chris and I were ready.

These are people who are staunchly committed to one another, and I am honored that they chose to commit themselves to me.

Freddy, Cherry, Leigh Ann, Robert, Austin, Sarah, Michele, Robert (yes there are two), Keaton, Laura, John, Olivia, Jack, Doris, and Marvin, I love you! You are such a source of strength and calm for me. I miss you this weekend and often. We can't wait to see you all soon.

Love you!

Erin

A Season of Thanks: Day 24

2011-11-24T21:04:00.003-06:00

Because she asked for "her own day," and today seemed like the perfect day to do it, this one is dedicated to my baby sister-in-law, Laura.

Why today?

Because she is hard-core serious about her Black Friday shopping!

So tonight, as I fight to stay away for a few more hours, I am thinking of you, Laura.

I'm grateful for you for many reasons.
I like how we were friends before we were family.

I love the fact that now that we're family, we're still friends.

You make me laugh.

And you'll tell me, "Uh, no .... you're not wearing that!"

The only other person that will do that for me is my biological sister.

Laura is a lot of things:

She's a great mom,

a great aunt,

a great sister,

a wonderful nurse,

plays a mean softball game,

crafts with the best of them,

and does it all while finding time to look adorable.

Enjoy your "morning," Laura.

Black Friday shopping just won't be the same without you.

Feel free to buy me lots of cute clothes for work.

Love you!!!

A Season of Thanks: Day 23

2011-11-23T07:37:00.002-06:00

Today I am thankful for a wonderful boss.

I got to work this morning to find out that we're closing an hour earlier than was originally planned, which was 2 hours earlier than we're normally open. So instead of having to fight the traffic in Louisville at 4:30, I'll be there between 3 and 3:30, which will make a huge difference in my travel.

She's not just wonderful because of the added hour.
She's a fantastic leader, full of poise and grace.
She's charming and fun, friendly and kind.
She's professional and knows how to handle herself.
She makes the ideal president of a graduate institution.

I love working for her.
And the extra hour makes it even a little bit better.

I can't wait to see my mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law, and nephew tonight.
I'm going to miss Chris immensely this weekend.
Hopefully an hour less driving in the dark will make the distance between us feel less sad.
He's the only family member I got to choose.
I'm glad I chose well!

A Season of Thanks: Day 22

2011-11-22T08:00:00.002-06:00

Today I am reminded how the internet has changed my life, and I am so grateful for the community I have there.

This is not to say that I live my life in chat rooms and fail to connect outside that realm. But it is to say that I learn so much from my friends.

Today the conversation that struck me was about raising our children to be safe from predators without teaching them to fear.

A few days ago it was about adoption of HIV+ children.

A few days before it was about worship leadership, how we choose what we do in worship, and the benefits to the church of each option.

On facebook I find articles to read, stories to consider, lessons for my own spiritual direction, and topics I would never address if they didn't show up in my news feed.

By reading blogs and sharing with fellow bloggers, I have made friends across the country. Genuine friends. Friends I travel to foreign countries with. Friends I confide in. Long-lost friends reunited over a screen.

About children today, a friend commented that it's difficult to teach her preschooler about strangers when nearly every adult she meets knows what she did last week and has seen her picture countless times because of facebook. How do you help a child understand who is "safe" and who isn't? My two year old nephew likes to "see" people on the computer already (Skype). By the time he is old enough to function online independently, the concept of "stranger" may be entirely gone from our vocabulary. Teaching our children to be safe is a different conversation than it was when I was a child. The idea of "never take candy from a stranger" or "never get in a car with a stranger" wasn't a likely scenario then, but it's even less so now. Our kids are more at-risk online than anywhere else, I'd suspect. While these are latent thoughts I'd had in the past, I had never linked it to the fear and response tactics that went into raising me.

I never would have considered it if it hadn't been that a friend 650 miles away read an article that she posted on her page. I am a better parent, a better minister, a better friend, and a better person because of the experiences of others around the world who share online.

Thank you for sharing your lives publicly.
Hopefully my life will be intentional - both online and off - because you have taught me.

A Season of Thanks: Day 21

2011-11-21T07:58:00.001-06:00

Today is a difficult day to be grateful.
It's cold and wet outside, the office is dreary.
I have a headache.
Ella's back with her mom.
Work is not exactly my priority today.

And yet, these are the moments which remind me to be grateful in all things.
Today it's not easy to choose a topic on which to write.
Because nothing comes bubbling up from my soul.

But when I quiet myself long enough to look inside, I realize how deep my gratitude runs.
Some days the gratefulness isn't at the surface, but it is always there, coursing beneath the deep like the lifeblood through my veins.

Deep in my soul, I find today that I am grateful for days like this one.
It surprises even me.

Today feels slower.
Quite a few of my colleagues took some vacation time this week, leaving the office quieter.
I have boxes of books waiting to be unpacked.
A cup of hot tea in my reach.
A quiet phone and easy-to-answer emails.

Days like today can seem "boring" if I look only on the surface.
But when I take the time to reflect on days like today, I find a deeper sense of who I am.
As a wife.
As an employee.
As a mom.
As a daughter, sister, and cousin.

Today I will not focus on what is to come over the next week:
Finley,
The Briggs' family,
Mom and Dad,
Annie,
Laughter,
A Wonderful Surprise,
A table full of food,
Dear Friends.

Instead I will allow this "normal" day to be rich.
I will stop living on the surface of my emotions and look deeper at who I am.
I will make this normal day its own reason to be grateful.

Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are…
Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect Tomorrow.
One day I shall dig my nails into the earth,
or bury my face in my pillow,
or stretch myself taut,
or raise my hands to the sky and want,
more than all the world, your return.
- Mary Jean Iron

A Season of Thanks: Day 20

2011-11-20T19:15:00.003-06:00

Touches of Christmas everywhere.

I am so thankful for the time to make memories with Ella this weekend.

A Season of Thanks: Day 19

2011-11-19T21:57:00.004-06:00

Today I am thankful for a great set of in-laws!

Chris' mom and stepdad are here for a visit, and I enjoy them so much. Today we've shopped, played Barbies, had lunch and cupcakes, made dinner, played at the park, thrown stuff into a creek, climbed on a tank, set up a Christmas tree, and laughed together extensively.

It's been a great day.
I love having family that will travel to see us and to spend time with Ella.

Family is a treasure, whether they are biological or inherited.

Thanks, Neal and Judy, for coming to see us today.
We love you!

P.S. Keaton "powed" his first deer today and called to tell all of us. My hilarious 5 year-old nephew shot a 6 point buck with a crossbow "close to in the belly." He was so proud! Way to go, buddy!

A Season of Thanks: Day 18

2011-11-18T12:56:00.004-06:00

On this 18th day of gratitude, I find myself grateful for quite a few things. Today is a good day; my cup runneth over.

Here are a few of the things that are making my list:
~ A best friend to journey this life with
~ Sleeping in (work starts 90 minutes later on Fridays)
~ An unexpected discount on contacts
~ ELLA DAY!!!!!
~ In-laws on their way to visit
~ Warm sunshine and a cool breeze, making it feel like a genuine fall day
~ Office shelves slowly filling up
~ Time to think, to reflect, and to tread slowly upon this Earth

I've been thinking a lot today about emotions.
In the past 24 hours I've had quite a few different feelings, and when I consider the Hope of yesterday, I am reminded that Hope surpasses feelings.
The tough ones.
And the good ones.

It doesn't matter how I'm "feeling" in any given moment if I truly have Hope. Hope and "wish" are not synonyms. Hope is a certainty. It is an unwavering commitment to that which we believe. The writers of the Epistles put it this way:

Romans 8:25:
But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

Galatians 5:5:
But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope.

I Thessalonians 4:13:
We do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest, who have no hope.

Hebrews 10:23:
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

Hebrews 11:1:
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Today, my gratitude is overwhelmingly for the feelings that are a gift from God.
All of them.
The ones I soak up like a sponge.
The ones that rip my heart to pieces.

I am grateful for them because in their wavering is where I find the never-changing Hope. I am grateful that I am a woman who feels intensely. When I am delighted, it overcomes my being. When I am sad, I weep huge, ugly tears. When I am angry, the entire world might be my target. When I love, the world stops while I adore the one who has my affections. When I fear, it is physically taxing on my body. I love this portion of my createdness. I love that I have been designed as one who knows the crushing blow of rejection and the sheer elation of love.

I rejoice in my brokenness and in my revelry.
Not necessarily in the moment.
But in reflection, I see that the constant shift in emotions is what keeps my faith so stable.

I cannot trust my emotions.
I dare not trust "my gut feeling."
I trust only in Hope.

And Hope is eternal.

A Season of Thanks: Day 17

2011-11-17T08:28:00.002-06:00

Today I am simply thankful for hope.

Most of you know that Chris and I have been "in transition" since before we got married. It's been about 2 years now of flux, change, waiting, planning, and re-planning when the old plan fell through.

Yesterday, as I was driving home from work, I was overcome with a sense that maybe - just maybe - the end is in sight. I have no way to know if that's true or not. Maybe it was God's peace assuring me we're going to be ok. Maybe it was wishful thinking. Maybe it was just the fact that the sun was shining for the first time in 2 days. I don't pretend to know what it is that dredges up feelings inside of us - good or bad. But I know that for the first time since moving here I had an overwhelming sense of hope.

I had lost hope for a while.
I'd resigned myself to the fact that this was going to be our lives for awhile.
I like this life, don't hear me incorrectly!
But I want to be settled and we can't do that until a few more pieces fall into place.

I want the chance to feel like we're in control of our future, rather than the economy.
(Don't bother to assess that situation; it's just what I want, and yes, I realize there are countless errors in my thinking on it.)
I want to be able to make some plans that don't include the phrase, "unless something changes."

Yesterday I had the sense that maybe that day is coming.
Just maybe.

Even if it isn't on the horizon soon, I am grateful for the chance to feel that hope again.

A Seaon of Thanks: Day 16

2011-11-16T07:35:00.003-06:00

I may be Finley's biological Aunt, but I also get to call these great people my nieces and nephews, and I love them just as much! Olivia, Jack, Keaton, Austin, and Sarah, today is your day! I'm so thankful for the five of you.

Olivia and Jack are two of the funniest children I know. Here's a great Olivia story for you, as shared by my sister-in-law, Laura. It happened in the car one day, heading to a family event where Ella would not be there.
O: Will Ella be at Mamaw's today?
L: No, she's with her mom today.
O: I thought Erin was her mom.
L: No, Erin is her stepmom. Ella's mom lives far away and Ella stays with her most of the time.
O: (thinking) I want a stepmom, too!
L: I'm not ok with that.
O: Then maybe Erin can be my stepmom, too!

These kids can make me laugh like no one else. They're sweet and loving, generous with their hugs, and so excited when they get to see Ella. I love being around these two.

Keaton is an only child, and I love to hear him giggle. We have a little game we play where I'll yank him up into my lap and kiss on him. He says, "Ew, yuck!" and wipes it off while laughing hysterically. My goal is to kiss him either in a spot he can't reach or so many times he can't get them all off fast enough. He's growing up SO fast! This kiddo was born just a few months after I got to Paducah, and I can't believe how much he's changed in those 5+ years. He adores Ella, cries when he has to leave our house, even. They look like siblings and are just as close. He's a fisherman, lover of trains, Kindergartener, soccer player, Snoopy fan, and - most recently - a hunter. He can't wait to "pow" his first deer.

And then there's the big two! Technically speaking, there are three, but I barely know Micah, so this is devoted just to Austin and Sarah. If there were any two people in my extended family who should have been reticent about getting a new aunt, it should have been these two. I didn't even meet them until Chris and I were fairly serious. Austin is at UK now, which is fantastic! We love the opportunities we get to see him. He's great with his young cousins, he's smart, easy to talk with, and an overall delight. While it's been a little strange for me to get used to having a 19 year old nephew, I love it.

And then there's sweet Sarah. Oh, how I love this girl! Fourteen is such a rotten age to have to be a girl, and I just want to whisk her into the future sometimes so she doesn't have to deal with it all. I promise, Sarah, it gets better. Keep making smart choices, keep your head in the game and your priorities straight, and it'll be ok in the end. You've got so much potential, and I'm excited to see the woman you're becoming. I love you, lady!!!

I love being an aunt to these people. They're so much fun to be with, and they bring a whole different dynamic to my life. I didn't realize I was missing so much before I had nieces and nephews, but I was. It's one thing to be an aunt to my sister's newborn baby; it's a whole other thing to have a niece I can chat with while lounging on Papaw's pontoon in the sun. It's a rich blessing to be related to them, even if only by marriage.

Thanks, gang, for taking me in so easily. Thanks for making me feel like as much of an aunt as the ones you've had a lot longer.

Love you all,
Erin

A Season of Thanks: Day 15

2011-11-15T19:22:00.006-06:00

Today is all about the littlest stinker in my life!

January 1, 2010 I officially became an Aunt.
And it's the best job I've ever had!

When he feels like it, Finley will climb into your lap and work on whatever it is that has his interest for the longest time. He's a few days shy of 1 in this picture and he sat there playing with the ribbon from a Christmas present for about 20-30 minutes. He is a smart kid, always trying to figure things out in the world around him.

GO CARDS! Even when he was too young to be able to focus properly, Annie started teaching him about baseball. At 22 months old, he asked to go to Spring Training. I kid you not! Tonight while we were on Skype, I showed him our baseball collection and his eyes just lit up! "Baseball!" That's my boy! :)

He's super-cool, too! The kid will leave a pair of sunglasses on his face until he's in the shade again. Finley is very "go with the flow," even as he approaches that independent stage of 2. I love that one of his favorite phrases is "yyyyye-esssss..."

I can't believe this picture is almost a year old now. Poor Finley woke up from his nap with a fever on the day of his first birthday party. You can tell by looking at his eyes that he just wasn't up to par that day. But he still managed to shove an entire cupcake in his mouth. For a child that had probably never tasted cake or frosting before this moment, he certainly knew just what to do with it.

His smile can brighten up a room on even the darkest of days.

He's growing up so fast. In just a few weeks he'll be 2. It's hard to believe he's been a part of our lives for two years already. And yet, it's hard to remember what we did before he was here. He is one of the most delightful children I've ever known - and I've known a LOT of kids!

Finley Thomas, I love you more than I know how to tell you. Thanks for making me smile tonight - and most every day. Know that you will always be super-special to me. Not only because you are who you are, but because you will always be the only person who made me an Aunt. I was born to play this role, and I love that I got to start with you for a nephew. You are a funny little boy, and I can't wait to watch you grow.

Love,
Aunt Erin

Season of Thanks: Day 14

2011-11-14T07:11:00.002-06:00

On this Monday, I am grateful for weekends.

This weekend was genuine Sabbath time for me.
Mom was here, and we did lots of "stuff," but we also rested, read, cooked, walked, and moved through the day slowly.

It was a time to catch my breath from the life we've been living since September 30th. I am so glad that the American system has a place for respite built into the rhythm of our lives. I am grateful for the moments when I take advantage of it. I am grateful for worship, laughter, sleep, sunshine, the breeze, a good book, new foods, and the time to enjoy them all.

So often our weekend time becomes just as harried as the rest of our week and we find ourselves sitting at our desk on Monday morning, already ticking off the hours until we can get to the next weekend, only to find ourselves just as busy then.

We are hurrying away our lives.
This weekend I didn't.
I savored it.

And Monday feels like such a better day for having done so.

Thanks, mom, for coming to visit.
Thanks, Chris, for being so great.

My heart is full today.

A Season of Thanks: Day 13

2011-11-13T16:23:00.004-06:00

On this Sunday, I am simply thankful for laughter. Please enjoy this moment that had me in tears of joy. So much so that we watched it twice.

(The best part is at 6:10, but you have to watch the whole thing to appreciate it.)

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Indecision 2012 - Mercy Rule Edition

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

The Daily Show on Facebook

A Season of Thanks: Day 12

2011-11-12T10:33:00.001-06:00

I chose to wait until today to write about my mom on purpose.
Because today, my mom is here to visit for the whole weekend!

I'm going to flood this post with pictures again because mom is a little hard to describe. She's fun, she's energetic, she's a little ADD, she's loving and compassionate, not afraid to get her hands dirty, and so many other things. Hopefully the pictures will help you understand the gift that is Joanne a little bit better.

Joanne's sense of humor is not quite like anyone else's I know (except all the people we're related to). We often use the phrase in our world, "(S)he's one of us." It's a phrase meant not to include or exclude anyone; rather it is a statement about they way we see the world. Essentially, mom, Annie, me, and the rest of mom's siblings view the world as a funny place. Things like this picture (below) are the types of things we not only find funny, but take the time to snap a phone picture and text to one another:

My mom has a child-like sense of fun. Some of her favorite things to do involve roller coasters, wave runners, Spoons, practical jokes, and other high-adrenaline activities. Like this one:

She just enjoys life wherever she goes. She makes her own fun, and I love that she taught Annie and me to do the same.

My mom LOVES being Finley's grandma. When Annie was pregnant, she always said she wasn't excited about being a grandma because "babies are boring." She said, "I didn't like you two when you were babies and you think I'm going to like THIS one?" This picture tells a different story. She loves it! Of course it helps that Finley is tons of fun, but I really think even if he were a high maintenance kid, she'd love it. She's doing everything she knows to do to make Ella feel like a "legitimate" grandchild, too. She sends her cards and packages, hugs on her when Ella will let her, plans things for her to do when we visit. It brings a smile to my face the way she has welcomed Ella into her life. I'm sure it's hard to have an instant grandchild of 6, but she's done a really good job with it. Ella really enjoys both of my parents and asks when we can go visit them again.

It's no big secret that it was my mom who taught Annie and me to love the Cardinals. Mom was the first to teach us the basic rules of the game. She was the one who "drug" us (as if we minded) to Spring Training. She is the one that gets us the fantastic seats at Busch Stadium. We are a Cardinal loving family, and that is largely due to mom. (I can't figure out why this insisted on being underlined; sorry!)

Joanne is fantastically compassionate! The box above is a giant box of canned green beans. It was what she asked for for Christmas 2 years ago. Not because she loves green vegetables, but because she wanted to take them to the homeless feeding program she serves. She does it every month, without fail. She schedules other things around it. She won't come see me (or even Finley!) on a "Centenary weekend" because she is committed to one little act of making some homeless peoples' lives better. And it's not just food to her. It's an open door. A chance to feel like someone cares for an hour or so. She knows their names, their stories; she puts them to work (says it makes them feel needed and they love it). It would be fair to say this is the extent of her compassion. She views the world this way: What can I do to make someone's life better? And she lives it daily.

Family is so important to Joanne! She loves her siblings immensely. She longs for times when we can "all be together as a family." She treasures every opportunity she gets for things like that, especially as they get fewer and further between. Stinking kids had to go and move 5 hours apart in opposite directions, huh mom?

I just like this picture because it shows you the physical disparity in everything about my parents. Whoever said you grow to look like one another the longer you live together obviously never met Joanne and Myron!

Joanne, thanks for all the amazing things you've taught me! Thanks for being my mom, my friend, my teacher, and my example. I always knew I learned a lot from you, but I had no idea how much until I started raising a tall, skinny, smart, sassy little girl of my own! Let me go on record as saying I'm sorry for how challenging I made your day at times. But let me also go on record as saying I hope you enjoyed having a daughter like me as much as I love having a daughter like Ella. I love you more than I can tell you. Thanks for everything!

A Season of Thanks: Day 11

2011-11-11T11:26:00.002-06:00

On this day, Veterans Day, I've been thinking a lot about my freedoms.

Today, I am thankful for all that my citizenship gives me.

I didn't choose it.
Neither did my parents or theirs.
But somewhere down the lineage, someone's parents were immigrants in this country, and they lived a very difficult life.
I try never to forget that.

I try to remember that so much of what I consider "normal life" is because I was born with a social security number. I try to remember that the rest of the world, even the rest of this country, does not have the same privileges.

And I remember that some of those privileges came at a price.
The price of two of my great uncles' lives and countless others'.

At my core, I am a pacifist. So things like thanking our soldiers becomes a challenge for me. Not because I don't appreciate what they've done for me, but because I wish we didn't need them at all.

But I am SOOOOO grateful that I have the right to say I struggle with this. And that right comes from the fact that no government official is reading my blog looking for hints of treason or anarchy.

I have dear, dear friends who are active military. And I see their families struggle through their absence. I know the cost, even if it doesn't cost their lives.

Today, I say thank you. Thank you for putting your loved one at risk for what this country represents. Thank you for the long hours, tedious duties, difficult assignments, horrid weather, and your willingness to do it all over again. Thank you for missing birthday parties and Christmases and the births of your children. Thank you for being lonely so the world might one day be a safer place.

Please don't ever hear me say that my questioning of war is a questioning of YOU. Your sacrifices are treasured.

Today, I say thank you.

A Season of Thanks: Day 10

2011-11-09T19:49:00.005-06:00

On this day, I am thankful for Sheri.

It's not possible to ask for a better friend than this woman.
No, really.
They don't get better than Sheri.

This poor woman has put up with SO.MUCH.DRAMA. from my life in the past 16 years it isn't even fair. And never once has she said, "That's it! You're a lunatic and I can't take this any more!" She has always, always, stood beside me. She is an incredible friend.

So here's my Top Ten Reasons I Love Sheri Ferris list:

10. She's always up for any opportunity to see one another!

(11:00 pm at a gas station in central IL on Christmas Eve. We just had to see each other and were heading opposite directions.)

9. She is her own person. This girl says she's self-conscious, but I've never seen that. I see a woman who knows who she is and isn't afraid to share it.

8. She's freaking hilarious!

(Yes, she's kissing a Twinkie.)

7.,6.,5., and 4. She's an incredible mom! I love her kids, love the way she parents, love the fun things she does with them and for them.

(first picture of the complete Ferris family!)

3. She lives life fully!Olivia's first Black Friday shopping trip.
Of course a 3 month old baby needs to see the windows in downtown Chicago!
Olivia is such a princess; I can't imagine that Sheri has had anything to do with that! :)

2. She has a great sense of style!

(and apparently an obsession with weird hats)

1. She will give up anything for the people she loves.
No, really!

I got married on her 11th anniversary. And she left Olivia on her 2nd birthday to come down two days early and help with the wedding. When I asked her about the date, she said, "I'd LOVE to share an anniversary with you! Of course it's fine!" It's absolutely nothing to Sheri to drop whatever is going on in her own world and do whatever she can for someone else. She is one of the most kind, generous, compassionate people I have ever known.

Sheri is the kind of person that will take in a troubled teenager (done that!), drive across town to babysit for someone in an emergency (check), offer to take someone's kids off their hands (yep), go to your grandfather's funeral and sit alone, just so you know she's there (of course she did!).

Sheri Lynn, you are incredible! I love you lots, and today I am grateful for that little note on the attendance sheet back in Psych 101. You've been an amazing friend from the very first day. I love you to the moon and back!

A Season of Thanks: Day 9

2011-11-09T19:24:00.003-06:00

On this ninth day of November, I choose to be thankful for a great place to work.

It's not just that I like my job.
I do.

It's what Lexington Theological is about.

In 2008, when the stock market crashed, LTS faced a monumental decision.
They were faced with an endowment that was suddenly worth a fraction of what it had been worth the day before. It brought about serious questions about the viability of the institution.

But the faculty, staff, and trustees believe in the work of LTS and in its specific voice among theological schools.
So rather than shut the doors,
Or just create an online program,
Or bury their heads in the sand and hope the market got better some day,
they used the opportunity to ask some hard questions about the church and about theological education.

Their answers then astound me now.
They listened.
They listened to churches, who were telling them that LTS was sending them students who were very intelligent, had done their homework, and had excelled in academia. But these students weren't prepared to be pastors.
They listened to students, who said they didn't know how to take all that they had learned from their time at LTS and transfer it to the local congregation.
They listened to regions, who said they had a lot of people wanting to be pastors who couldn't relocate their entire families to Lexington to take the first step toward heeding their calling: a Masters degree.

Their response to these problems was to create a program that is fully accredited by ATS and yet meets all of these needs while maintaining the integrity that has been a part of this institution for 146 years.

The biggest piece of the puzzle was how to train ministers better.
So they moved the education into the local church.
Within 6 credit hours, M.Div. students are required to be serving a local church. And not just any church; the church must be a "partnering congregation," which simply means that the church has accountability to the school. There are parameters to follow, responsibilities to be monitored, etc. Students must serve at least 10 hours per week in the local congregation.

Secondly, they moved the academics to an online forum. It allows students all over the country to attend classes simultaneously without having to uproot themselves from the place they call home. It makes sense. Why would a student want to leave the place where she first began to discern her calling, just to move to a new area to learn how to live into that calling. The courses are taught with fantastic software that allows essentially real-life classrooms without walls and boundaries. The invention of the webcam has allowed students from every corner of this country to be "in class" together without leaving their living rooms.

Finally, every M. Div. student is required to have a mentor. They are required to meet with this mentor at least an hour a week. What they discuss is up to them. How the time operates is at their convenience. But it is required.

In the face of a catastrophic economic problem, Lexington Theological Seminary set the pace for how the church universal needs to think. They asked the basic question, "Why are we doing this?" And they didn't shy away from the answers. The result of their discernment was a fundamental shift in the way theological education is taught.

For fifty years, no one has considered that the format of theological education may be outdated. LTS stepped bravely into uncharted waters during a raging storm. 2 years into the new model, we are discovering that students are our biggest recruiters. They love the education they are receiving. They cherish their opportunities to learn in their local church. They depend on their mentors and their classmates to help them through difficult situations. They are learning to navigate the life of ministry in a way no minister in the last half century has done.

And I believe they're going to be great ministers because of it.

I am honored to work for such a place.
I am thrilled to be the "gateway" for students.
I couldn't be more excited to share what we're doing.
I look forward to watching this first batch of new ministers spread their ministerial wings in a few years.

I am grateful for an institution that is not so mired in institutionalism that they cannot think creatively.

A Season of Thanks: Day 8

2011-11-08T13:02:00.004-06:00

Today I am thankful for the challenges I've faced.

Several of my long-time friends will tell you that the past several years of my life have been less than I imagined they would be. Often I felt as if I wasn't living my own life -- that someone else was running it for me.

In the midst of all of that I felt completely powerless.
I was stripped bare of all I had been raised to be, all I believed I should be, and all I taught.
I was living a facade.

This afternoon as I was hurrying about my business at work, I stopped myself mid-stride (literally) and thought, "I haven't been this content with who I am in a very long time."

I live in a great city.
I work for an amazing boss (with really great hours!).
I have found a denominational home.
I have the perfect husband for me.
My child cracks me up at every turn and is the most loving child in the world.
I am surrounded by extended family, nieces, nephews, and an assortment of other family and in-laws that I love and who love me.
We have a very nice (town)house.
I even have a pretty great dog.

Plus, we're managing to pay the bills!

On this feels-like-spring day, I have a renewed sense of hope.
While the flowers may not yet be springing to life, my soul is.

I wouldn't be who I am today without the rugged path I've walked to get here.
The countless days and nights filled with tears of frustration brought me here.
The meetings and heartache, the temporary "lostness," the secrets I was forced to keep.

On this side of that past, I am immensely grateful.
I made some of my best friends in that journey.
The ones I had became even closer.
I learned who I am and what I value most at the end of the day.
I learned what I "can" do and what I "can't."
(In terms of my own sense of value and priority, not ability)
I know who I am, and I know where I'm going.
I know what I want my life to be about.
I know what I will never tolerate again.

And for that, I am immensely grateful.

To Nancy, Sarah, Katy, Becca, Erin, Sheri, and everyone else who tried to convince me, thank you for pushing me. (Katy and Erin, get a blog already!) Thank you for not letting me let me my soul rot away in the despair. And thank you for being patient while I found my own way out of that pit. Your love and support over the years has been more than I can repay.

I am grateful for your willingness to walk with me.
I am honored to call you friends.

A Seaon of Thanks: Day 7

2011-11-07T06:52:00.002-06:00

One week into my new daily discipline, I find myself overcome with gratitude for the sunshine.

I know that for my friends with young children, Daylight Savings Time is a beast of an issue to get through. It messes the kids up!

But today I walked out of my home into the sunshine rather than into the darkness. On this seventh day of the eleventh month of the year, I was greeted with warmth, light, and a sense of hope. No longer did I have to leave my home in the dark each day, feeling like I was headed to work the midnight shift.

I felt rested because my mind finally believed I had gotten a full night's sleep. Today the sun is predicted to shine all day. Tomorrow is the same delicious sunshine, with temperatures gracing the edge of 70*. It is an incredible thing what the sunshine does for my soul.

Today, I intend to live with the same energy the sun gives to me. I will do my job well; I will commit to my activities; I will bring light and hope to those I encounter.

The days are coming when the sunshine will be less intense. The light will remain, but the warmth will be a distant memory. The darkness of winter will be upon us, and my soul will long for days like today and tomorrow. And so, I will not take this gift for granted. I will live remembering that this gift will soon fade for a season.

A Season of Thanks: Day 6

2011-11-06T19:26:00.002-06:00

Today I am thankful for The Table.

Since moving to Lexington, the family and I have been visiting around at various churches, most of them Disciples of Christ. I love the Disciples. I've finally found a home within a denomination, and it feels good to be among like-minded people. One of the many things I love about the Disciples is their emphasis on The Table.

In the four weeks we've been here, we've visited 5 churches. (Leave it to the church nerds, I know!) In all but one (not a DOC church), I've had the opportunity to take communion. As Disciples, communion is a weekly event; every time the community gathers, the table is shared. But what has been significant to me is the opportunity to partake of communion in 4 different ways all within the same denomination. It has given me a new chance to consider the way I view the table.

And I'm learning some things.
I may share those things at a later date.
I may not.

But for today, I am immensely grateful that it isn't the church who spreads the table; it is Christ. The table is open to all because Christ is the host and Christ does not judge. At least that's what I believe, and that is what I've found at these churches. As I sat today and listened to the communion invitation, I understood again what it means that Christ has opened the table. Again, I found myself overwhelmed with gratitude. Again, I found myself renewed and restored. Again, I found myself compelled to do more, to live a richer life, to love the way Jesus loved - freely and without regard. Again, I had the opportunity to be a guest at the greatest feast ever served.

Today, I am simply grateful for that table.
For the countless ministers who served it today.
For the presence of Christ that stretches through time and space.
For the simplicity of a morsel of bread and a sip of juice.
For the pure love of Christ for me.
And for every single person who chooses to come.

A Season of Thanks: Day 5

2011-11-05T08:13:00.006-05:00

Today is devoted to Ella.

You can read more on my thoughts about Ella here. I wrote a tribute to her when we got married.

Suffice it to say, I've loved this kid a long time! She was 20 months old when I met her, and we've been great friends ever since.

This is Ella holding Maddox when he was just a few months old. This was taken during Sheri's first visit to Paducah after I moved there.

Over the years, this little Monkey has grown into a beautiful girl. She is so much fun to be with. Every weekend we get, every dinner, every opportunity to steal a few moments with her, I cherish.

She makes us laugh. When she gets into the mood, she is absolutely hysterical. She says things that no 7 year old should say and they make her sound just like her daddy.

She is "my girl." She always will be, and that makes me exceedingly happy.

I love you so much, Ella Faith. You are a beautiful girl with an even more beautiful heart. I can't wait to walk through this life with you, helping you grow and learn and become a phenomenal woman. I'm proud of who you are and even more proud of who you're becoming.

I am so thankful that God allowed me to be your step-momma.

A Season of Thanks: Day 4

2011-11-04T10:10:00.005-05:00

Today I am thankful for Annie.

She is an incredible sister in a million and one ways, but words don't do her justice.
Annie is too funny, too cute, too kind, and too adventurous for stories to describe her.

See for yourself!

Like me, Annie is a big daddy's girl. Hers comes out in different ways, but family is a great big priority to my sister, too. She lives 5 hours from mom and dad, yet she manages to see them every couple of months. I envy her determination to make that happen, despite the crazy life she lives as a full-time teacher, mom, and commuter.

Annie has a killer smile, gorgeous eyes, and a fantastic sense of style. Plus, she probably paid $2.50 for the dress and made the necklace herself! I consider it a privilege that we look so much alike.

She's also a fantastic photographer and will kill me for posting this picture, but it speaks to who she is so well! How many brides do you know that can make a Cardinals cap look "appropriate" with a wedding dress? This is what I mean about her style. Sure, it's cute, but it also "works" in a way! I love this image of her. So elegant, so beautiful, so much fun.

Right after she graduated from college, Annie took off for the Dominican Republic to teach school there for 2 years. She didn't speak Spanish, didn't know anyone in the country, had never traveled abroad, and had never been a solo teacher. But she got on a plane with 2 suitcases and a whole lot of guts and made it work. I'd like to tell you this was an anomaly for my sister, but it's sort of how she lives her life. She just DOES things. And she succeeds at them. Annie lives life richly and with a sense of "what else can we find to do" that I wish I had.

Like every good St. Louis native, Annie loves the Cardinals. That wins her serious points right there! She manages to maintain her love of our team while living in the land of Cubs fans and without televised games. Way to go, Annie! Win 'em over to the "right side of the rivalry."

My sister is one of the funniest people I know. She isn't goofy, like some people think when they think of funny. But she enjoys life immensely and that oozes out of her every inch. Her faces are hysterical. What she finds to capture in a lens can bring tears of laughter to your eyes. The things she teaches her son are fantastic. There's no real way to describe this part of my sister's character, but it's one of my very favorite things about her.

Or it was.

Until she had this guy.

I know she wrestles on a daily basis with how to be the best mom Finley could ever have, but she's a great mom! In every.single.detail., she has Finley's best interest in mind. At times it drives me crazy, but at my core I am so incredibly proud of how she is raising him. She called me in tears when she found out she was pregnant, saying, "I just don't think I can do this." When I left her house when Finley was 2 weeks old, we sat on the couch - both of us in tears - and she said, "What am I supposed to do now?"

She figured it out. I'm sure there are days when she (like all of us) thinks, "This is insane! I'll never get anywhere with this little ball of chaos!", but Finley is an incredible kid, and I have to give a lot of that credit to his momma.

I love you, little sister!
For the years we almost killed each other, I never thought we'd be the friends we are now. (Sorry about purposely shoving mandarin oranges in your ear.)
I'm so glad we got past all that.
(Sorry about purposely smashing your lips against your braces.)
I couldn't ask for a better sister, brother-in-law, and nephew.
Thanks for teaching me every day about the joy that is this life.

A Season of Thanks: Day 3

2011-11-03T06:55:00.005-05:00

I learned what I wanted in a husband by watching my dad.

When I was little, I didn't always realize how much I would treasure my dad when I got older, but I always had a tender place in my heart for him.

My dad is gentle. I can't remember him ever spanking me. I never heard the words, "Wait until your dad gets home!" My dad bought us Valentine's Day gifts and still does. My dad tears up when he tells me he loves me, even still. My dad will still let me snuggle up next to him on the couch and put his arm around me.

My dad is smart. He came through school at a time when kids were labeled, and he didn't get labeled as "smart." Books are not his favorite thing, but my dad can figure out a complex problem in his head and put together the tools to solve it. He knows how to fix everything from a carburetor to a necklace. He taught me to do simple algebra when I was in grade school. He just "gets" things in this world like no one I've ever really known.

My dad is handsome. He defines the old phrase, "Tall, dark, and handsome." Dark brown hair, brown eyes, skin that is soft and tans easily, lanky, and strong. When people tell me I look like him, I smile. I'm honored to carry his genetics.

My dad is fun! When you first meet him, you'd never know it. He comes across as reserved and quiet. But the stories I could tell (and won't dad, don't panic!) of things he's done in my lifetime. At almost 62 years old my dad can waterski and wakeboard better than "the kids." He puts us all to shame! When he chooses to relax, he can make you laugh like you didn't realize you needed to laugh. His sense of humor is dry and subtle - the best kind - the kind you have to pay attention to notice.

My dad is faithful. It goes without saying that I admire his faithfulness to my mom. But my dad is faithful in everything he does. He worked a job he didn't love for (seemingly) forever because that was what you were supposed to do. It was his job to get up and go there every day; he never looked for anything else - he just did it. He is in church every Sunday, at every work day, drives the bus every month, and will get out in the freezing cold at the crack of dawn to help "a little old lady" with something she needs at her home. He'll drive 300 miles to see his girls or his grandkids for just a few hours. He's there when I preach. He was there when Finley was born. Having my dad walk me down the aisle and kiss my soon-to-be husband on the cheek was significant in more ways than I can articulate. It spoke not only of his love for me, but of his commitment to love us both. It was a visual picture of how much my life has been shaped by him to live with Chris. My dad molded me into the perfect wife for Chris.

It goes without saying that my dad has struggled in his life. He lost his own dad at 56 years old, very suddenly. He is the eldest in his family, and the only son, so he bears the sense that he has to take care of his mom. (If you read day one, you know she can take care of herself!) When his company went through a merger, he had a difficult decision to make. He has daughters who have done the best they could at times to make his life harder. He worries about money, about us, about mom, about Finley and Ella, about his mom, and probably all sorts of things he never speaks aloud. But he meets those challenges with a quiet strength like I've never known.

He is more than just my dad.
He's my daddy.
And he's a great one!

And now he's a great "Papa," too.
Finley and Ella love him, and it's clear that he loves them, too.
He seems determined to be an even better grandpa than he was a dad.
And that's going to be tough to beat!

Dad, thanks for teaching me how to live this life with a quiet strength that weathers every storm. And thanks for squeezing me tighter when the storms of life rage.

I love you more than I'll ever be able to tell you.

A Season of Thanks: Day 2

2011-11-02T07:45:00.005-05:00

I choose this day to be grateful for Chris.

I waited 29 years to meet the man of my dreams, and it took me almost another 3 to realize that's who he was. I am grateful for every one of those days leading up to the day I first sensed that he and I were compatible.

I am grateful for the exceedingly difficult journey we have been on since that day. It has been wrought with some of the most difficult days of my life. And yet, I wouldn't give up any one of those days. They have shaped who we are as a couple. We learned extremely early in our relationship that talking through the hard stuff was absolutely essential. It is a rare day that we argue, but when we do it begins and it ends before there is time to stifle the frustration. Those hard days so early in our life together have become a rich treasure to me. Our commitment to one another has been tested fiercely, and we have won.

Will there still be days that are difficult? I am certain of it.
Will I ever again question whether we can navigate the storm? Absolutely not.

Chris and I are partners in every sense of the word.
He is my best friend.
At times, he is my biggest rival.
He is my source of encouragement and strength.
He is home.
He relieves the tension of a long day. More often than not, at the end of a day I am so eager to get home. I have no desire to go anywhere, to stop along the way, to see someone else. I want to be with Chris.

We parent well together.
We play well together.
We work well together.
We make good roommates, even.

29 years of waiting was the smartest thing I ever did. When I look back over my life at the different men I wondered about - should he be my husband? - I understand why the thought of marriage always scared me. Because deep in my heart I knew the answer was always, "No, he shouldn't." Marrying any one of them would have been a tragic mistake. I never would have known the one my soul always craved. It always felt like I would be settling, and I am so glad I never did.

Chris, for everything that you are and for the woman I am because of you, thank you.
To the God who brought us together, thank you will never be enough.
But I will continue to offer it every day.
I will live my life in gratitude - choosing grace, choosing "yes" over "no", choosing to walk beside you - because I am, among all women, most richly blessed.

These have been the best years of my life, despite the hardships.
I can only imagine where the path will lead us in the decades to come.

I love you.

A Season of Thanks: Day 1

2011-11-01T08:05:00.008-05:00

In honor of All Saints' Day, today I choose to be thankful for my grandparents and their siblings.

My dad's mom is one of six.
When all of my grandparents' siblings and their spouses are accounted for, I had 20 "grandparents" that I knew and four that I never had the privilege of meeting. Between them, I was a quite confused child! I knew my actual grandparents, but it was often confusing to figure out who these other people were, especially the ones I saw less frequently. Is she grandma's sister or grandpa's?

But I can name every one of them and call up specific stories of their lives.
More accurately, I can call up specific stories of their interactions with me.

I was fortunate to be raised close to almost all of my extended family. They were at birthday parties and on vacations. They were part of holiday celebrations and funerals. I used to go swimming at my great uncle's house on a regular basis. They knew me, and I knew them.

All of them but my grandma and her sister-in-law are gone now.
I never expected as a kid that I'd miss them, but I do.
I miss the chance to hear them laugh together as they reminisce.
I miss soaking up their stories as we walked around their hometowns.
I miss learning to play cards with my grandma and her brother.

Life marches on and their great-nieces and great-nephews have children of their own now. My cousins and I are raising a new generation of these families.

But it is different.
We're spread out across the country.
Our kids don't know one another the way my cousins and I knew one another.
Plus, my parents' families are significantly smaller. Mom is one of 4 and dad has 1 sister. It's not the same.

And so today, I am grateful for what I learned from them.
I am thankful that I had years to learn from them.
I have been shaped by their emphasis on family.

To my Great-Aunts Marie, Inez, Lois, Romana, Kathy, Alice, Elaine, Rose, and Christine: Thank you for teaching me the finer points of being a woman in your generation. Thank you for your stories and your time.

To my Great-Uncles Melvin, John, Charles, Bill, Delbert, Gene, and Skip: Thank you for the way you always treated me like your own kid. Thank you for taking care of my mom and dad and loving them. Thanks for being interested in me. And to the four of you I never had a chance to meet: Lyman, James, William and Patrick, your stories have shaped me, too. Know that your memory lives on.

And to my Grandparents Tom, Alice, and Don: I miss you. Not a single day goes by that I don't think of one of you. You were the best grandparents a kid could ever want and amazing as I grew. Thank you for supporting me in everything I've done.

To my last living Grandma, Dorothy, I love you. I probably cherish you more now because I know my days with you are limited. You are one of the strongest women I have ever known, and I am honored to be able to call you Grandma.

You are Saints.
And you make me a better woman.
I am thankful for you today.

Why I DoThis

2011-09-29T02:12:00.000-05:00

I know, I know ... it's been a very long while. Let's not focus on that.

Today is one of those days where I lose sight of the last 20 months of my career life. Today I have been mired in numbers and urgency and crisis (of the grant-based type, not the individual type). Today I have spent a long time trying to solve a problem that I didn't create and over which - ultimately - I have very little control. When you work with victims, sometimes there is only so much you can do. Sometimes you have to say, "We tried, and there just isn't anyone that fits this specific mold right now." No matter how desperately I want to meet the goal (and I do!), I work with people who have free will; I cannot make them do what I think is best for them.

And so today, I need to remember why I do this job. I need to remember that the statistics are not just numbers - they represent people whose individual lives I have personally touched.

I need to remember that 1 in 4 women will be a victim and that the abuse is rarely only physical. I need to remember that this is hard because the problem is insurmountable on the whole, but very possible for the individual. I need to remember that without my sweat and tears and screams of frustration, she may not have a roof over her head tonight.

I need to remember that it is not I who does this job, but Christ within me. I need to remember that if it were not for me, some may never know that there is a God who declares from the highest hills that she is worth something.

Something much more than the abuse.
Something much more than the statistics.
Something worth more than the stress.

I need to remember that the days of being responsible for our actions will never end, no matter whether I report to the Commonwealth of Kentucky, Lexington Theological Seminary, or only to myself and those I touch.

Some days are dark.
Some days are extremely frustrating.
Some days I want to turn off the phone and hide under my desk.

But I do this for them.
For the 4 year-old child who watched his mom get knocked unconscious by his dad.
For the toddler girls who bounce between homes because mom can't stay stable.
For the lesbian recovering addict who is afraid to leave her home.

That's why I do this job.
So that they can sleep at night without fear.

It's the hardest job I have ever done and I will never forget the women who have changed my life with their stories. I love this job. I hate this job. I am a different person for having done this job, and I will miss it with every fiber of my being.

About Changing our Lives

2011-09-28T22:11:00.002-05:00

This afternoon I met with a roomful of kids who had learned some very hard news. They learned that Chris and I are moving to Lexington in two weeks. Most of them were sad, but took it in stride.

But a few of them.....

oh, how they broke me.....

No matter what, someone is going to suffer. We cannot be in all of the places we love all of the time. But when my actions bring someone else's child to tears, I feel horrible. Especially when my own child isn't thrilled with my actions either.

We know it's a good decision. We know we will be happy there. For the most part, we're excited to be there. I have an amazing job at a stellar institution, and I am thrilled about the opportunity to serve the local church in academia.

But the brokenness remains.
Saying goodbye is always hard.

I imagine that on Monday the 10th, when we pull out of this town for the last time, my eyes won't be the only one brimming with tears.

We are making a change for the health of our family.
We are -- finally -- after nearly 2 years of upheaval, settling in.
We are going to be immensely happy there.

As soon as we get through the changes.

Have You Seen This?

2011-06-29T22:53:00.000-05:00

Enjoy!

The Deer

2011-06-20T20:56:00.003-05:00

Here's a little story for your enjoyment.

awww..... Everyone say it with me .......

This sweet little critter is just darling, so tiny, so gentle. It's young enough to still have its spots. How neat would it be to get close enough to one to be able to enjoy it?

Today I was close enough.

This is the shelter where I work. If you could see the rest of the property, you'd realize that it sits at the top of a big hill on several acres of open land. Said land is surrounded by a chain link fence that has recently been repaired so none of the holes are left in it. The only entrance/exit to the property is by way of the motorized gate which is lockbox protected. It's a very safe place to be.

Unless you're a few days old and terrified:

This (well, not THIS) little fawn accidentally got itself into the fence today. It had gotten its head stuck in the fence from the outside, and one of the residents decided to help free it. Just about the time she got its head loose, someone exited the property so the gate (naturally) came open. The frightened animal ran INSIDE the fence instead of away from the people.

Back story: the family went on vacation last week, and we played HARD in the water. I came home with sore muscles. When I got home from church Sunday night, the sore muscles had turned into a "boogered up" hip (Chris' words). It sort of feels like there's tacks in the joint. So I'm now hobbling around on this right hip that makes me feel like I'm 82 and need a cane.

Back back story: the shelter is insanely busy with a project right now, and today was D-day for me. I had a meeting with a manager (not mine) and several meetings with clients and potentially a city official or two, so I was "dressed up" (khaki pants and brown church shoes -- trust me, that's dressed up for us!) for our big day.

Ok, so anyway, so this sweet little deer gets into our fence and is now injured. The clients are chasing it around trying to get it out the gate, but it's not working. A co-worker comes to me (why!? I have no idea!) asking for the number for animal control. Google is my best friend, so I get her the number and ask why. She tells me there's a baby deer on the property. Being the nosy Nelly I am, I hobble outside on my "boogered up" hip to see what's going on. Here's the conversation:

CoWorker: I see it over there in the brush.
Client: I do too; I'll go this way, you go that way.
CoWorker (eyeing me): Oh good! Help!
Me: Sure
Client: It's resting in the grass right now.
CoWorker: Ok, Erin, you go that way.
Me: Sure. What am I supposed to do?
CoWorker: Block the path.
Me: What?
CoWorker: Block the path in case it comes that way.
Me: And if it does, what am I supposed to do?
CoWorker: Catch it!

(remember the boogered up hip)

uh huh ....

There are two problems with this:

1. I. Am. Not. Wrestling. A. Deer. I don't care how little it is. I don't care how injured it is. I don't care if it's dead or alive. I am NOT. Wrestling. A. Deer! uh-uh.

2. Have you noticed that I can barely walk?!?!?! What on God's Green Earth makes you think I can CHASE. A. DEER!!!???!?!

About that time, said deer comes running at me and I promptly hobble myself the opposite direction. (see point 1 above.)

When Animal Control arrives, they come in 2 trucks. Big trucks. Two men get out of the truck. One is about 104 years old and winded just from climbing out of the truck. The other is about 50 pounds overweight (no judgment, just observation) and has 2 herniated discs in his back. These are the only resources available to us on several acres of fenced-in property. Laurel, Hardy, and two big trucks.

The younger one (Hardy) looks at me and says, "So what's the plan?"

Apparently I'm somewhat of an expert on wildlife capture!?!?

Laurel stands by his truck for the next hour shouting directions into his walkie talkie while Hardy, the Client and I attempt to chase a deer out of a gate. Every 10 yards or so Hardy has to stop and stretch to try to get the discs back in the right place. The client has taken her shoes off because the mud is so thick she keeps stepping out of them, and I'm hobbling along behind them.

After an hour, we give up.

The shelter has a new mascot and the thing can stay for all I care.
He earned it.

Father's Day 2011

2011-06-20T20:40:00.003-05:00

Ella had a "great idea" for Father's Day this year, and I just had to share it. The plan was to take him out for lunch after church, but she wanted it to be a surprise. So before church, she got out her sleep mask (no she doesn't sleep with it; it came with her bedding) and packed it in her church bag. Chris was made to put it on in the church parking lot.

He was thoroughly embarrassed.

When we arrived at the location she had chosen (Texas Roadhouse), I said, "Ella how about I let you and daddy out here at the door." She loved that idea and wouldn't let dad take his face mask off. So he stood outside the door at T.R. waiting for me to return. Unfortunately, I didn't think to snap that picture.

He was such a good sport about the whole thing, and Ella had a fantastic time surprising him. They're a great pair, this girl and her daddy!

Weekends are for Loving

2011-06-06T10:28:00.002-05:00

The gift of home is one I have always treasured. In the past week I have come to appreciate home on a new level. We are settled into our new-to-us, works-for-now, rental house and are enjoying the space we have. Five days after settling in, we left to get Ella. She is with us for three weeks, and this house now feels like a home again. The weekend was a time many families take for granted, but Chris and I cherish because the days are so short until she is gone again.

147. The space to have everything we own under 1 roof.

148. A Kindergarten Graduation program.

149. Good friends with a pool on a very hot day.

150. Uninterrupted family time.

150. A job that allows me to play with kids like this:

It was an amazing weekend, and we are eagerly anticipating 2 1/2 more weeks of time to be a family. Summer is a rich time for us.

Why I Do It

2011-05-09T08:52:00.003-05:00

I've been given permission to share this video one of my clients created. It's days like today that I am reminded that what we do here DOES make a difference.

Mondays are supposed to be my days to list my gratitudes. Today I have a countless number of them. They are the women who are brave enough to get out. They are the women who make the choice to use the strength they have been using to survive the abuse in a different way. They are the women who decide to say "Not any more!"

I am grateful for all of you!

Lenten Discipline

2011-03-09T14:13:00.002-06:00

When I wake up on Easter morning, how will I be different?

I read this on a website today, and it's haunting me.
How will I be different for having lived these 6 weeks?

My prayer is that you and I each discover the answer God wants us to find.

Gifts of Grace

2011-02-21T10:33:00.004-06:00

This week has seen so many events it would be impossible to count the ways God has been at work in my life. I have seen old friends, new friends, talked with family, hugged on Ella, met with our Committee on Ministry, worked diligently at two jobs, traveled, and been in more situations than a normal week would carry for me.

In the midst of it all, this disciple, this habit of counting Gifts has been rooted deeper in my soul. In moments of frustration, count the gifts of this moment. In times of tears, where is my God in this? Where am I in this? Learning to count has been as significant in recent months as it was the first time I learned to count. It has placed me in this world. It has shown me a new way. It has given me understanding. In the midst of my selfishness, I am learning to see God. Where I want to say, "But GOD!" I'm learning to say, "But, God ...." and find where God is at work.

My cup runneth over this week with gratitude.

127. A growing group of friends

128. Finally getting caught up at work

129. A growing daughter

130. Getting to see her in action at her school

131. Watching her almost-teary goodbye, a reminder of her deep love for us

132. Her incredible Kindergarten teacher

133. Hearing that - as of right now - her Spring Break is still intact!

134. A signed form

135. Watching an amazing little girl grow and develop

136. Hunter. That's all there is to that. He is pure delight!

137. The way cheese comes in innumerable flavors.

138. A taste of my childhood and memories of my grandmother.

139. The chance to talk to my sister at length

140. Worship songs that bring my spirit to life

141. Sunshine

142. The wind of springtime

143. Hearing chirping birds as I wake

144. 6 days off in a row

145. Getting through a difficult night by counting the Graces

146. A week full of gratitude

It has been a marvelous week.

Where Words Leave Off

2011-02-15T08:27:00.003-06:00

Where words leave off, music begins.

~Heinrich Heine

123. Snow Days
124. The way He Loves Us
125. Music when words fail.
126. Learning to See that, in fact, Everything is Glorious

The Days are for Counting

2011-01-29T22:12:00.004-06:00

Last Saturday night I washed the dishes.
But I didn't just wash them.
I absorbed the moment.

Thanks to Ann, my world is changing.
Or rather, I am changing, tuning my heart to the world that utters Grace.
In her book, Ann talks about the majesty of a soap bubble at length.
That night, with my hands in the bubbles, I added so many things to my list:

103. The food on these plates that nourishes my family

104. The indulgent flavors we are privileged to enjoy

105. The hands that prepared the food we have: from the farmer, to the miller, to the packager, to the salesperson, to the cook, to the server.

106. A grandfather who washed the dishes after every. single. meal.

107. The cups used to hydrate my little girl

108. The words she whispers to me ("I love you more!")

109. The tears that brim in my own eyes when we have to give her back

110. The compassion those tears awaken in me for others in our shoes

The weekend was deliciously full of fun with Ella. I couldn't stop counting the joys, the Gifts of God, the Moments of Grace:

111. The way her eyes light up when she sees us

112. That first tight squeeze after 2 long weeks

113. Medicine that restores

114. A lost hour of sleep in the middle of the night talking to my husband, praying for Ella, and trying to calm her cough

115. Moments when I get to be her mom

116. Her fingers running through my hair

117. How much my love for her dad grows when she is with us

118. Cousins laughing at the same joke repeatedly

119. Little girls in costumes and play make-up

120. Good friends

121. Delicious chili

122. Children with servant hearts

Already I am counting the days until she returns.

Crossing a Threshold

2011-01-23T22:30:00.007-06:00

After a bit of a hiatus from counting, I have missed the time to write. I have noticed Grace around me at all points, but have stepped away from this page for a time of respite. What I have come to realize, though, is that putting my gratitude on the page not only reminds me to count, but it reminds me to say Thank You. Even slowing down long enough to type out the words ushers in yet another prayer to the Giver of Grace. Again I find myself longing to sit still long enough. Long enough to utter my gratitude. Long enough to savor Grace all over again. Long enough to reflect. Long enough to be changed.

So today I begin again. Or I resume. Right where I left off nearly a month ago. And all as new as the snow blanketing my yard.

#82-102
A daddy with whom to share my birthday

Parents who made the trip to me this year

A celebration of my own birth that lasted two weeks

Standing before canvases before which stood masters centuries ago

Savoring the rich flavors of an incredible Italian meal

A weekend prepared, just for me, by Chris

Time away

Mellow Mushroom

Two different locations of my favorite store in 24 hours

Swimming

Children who never cease to make me laugh

The youngest of "my kids" singing her praises to God in worship

Watching the church become The Church before my very eyes

A community that believes in an Open Table

The opportunity to live and breathe this life

A new book

Dinner-time discussions with significance and depth

Grace that is changing me

Unspeakable joy

Laughter

Love

Blankets of Snow, Blankets of Grace

2010-12-28T14:59:00.004-06:00

The past week the gifts have been too numerous to count. I lost track at about 218. ;) But some of the highlights are listed for you (and for me) here.

On Christmas Eve the snow started falling - hard - at near-dusk. It wasn't expected that we would get much - maybe an inch or two. So Chris and I took the minute to savor it. We watched through the window as giant flakes poured out of the sky. We went to worship and in the candlelight you could almost sense the snow blanketing the building. You could feel the festive weight of the holiday and the weather in that room. The Blanket of Snow demanded my attention, and I succumbed to the beauty of that night.

Three days later, at near-dawn, my Ella snuggled under our covers and up next to me. Within seconds she was sound asleep again. She slept there for over an hour. I was keenly aware that the clock was ticking, urging me to get out of bed and in to work. But I was keenly aware that the clock was ticking - that soon these days will be a memory. Soon she will be back with her mom. Soon she will not want to snuggle up to me. Soon she will have her own little one snuggled up to her. And so I stayed. I soaked up the Blanket of Grace. Beginning to count the blessings of God this year has taught me to slow down in moments like this one. It has taught me that all of life is Grace.

#63-81

The fear of being a mentor

The joy of a special relationship with a young woman a few years behind me on the journey

Respite
~ from work
~ from stress
~ from the world

Successive days of shutting out the world

Healing

Growth

"Celebrating" Christmas in a whole new way this year
~ December 25th at the shelter and with good friends
~ A snow-blanketed candelight service on the 24th
~ Feeling like the 26th was "our Christmas" with Ella

The joy on her face at giving gifts

The stage in her language and cognition that never fails to make me laugh

The sleeping mask

Watching her turn from baby to young woman in literal minutes

Being her "mom" there in the dim light

Deep conversations over the wall of the tub

That she is brave enough to share her heart

Her sleeping soundly beside me in the bed

Savoring the moments of family silence

Recognizing the Holy in our midst

And blessings too many to count this week!

A Repost About HealthCare

2010-12-20T09:59:00.002-06:00

My dear friend Nancy posted this on her blog today, and I wanted to share it. Please do what you can, think carefully about how you vote (on all issues, not just this one), and make a difference to little ones who need so much.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last night, Nashville's NewsChannel 5 covered another story about TennCare and disabled kids. The Hamby family's story is very much like ours (except that their son has had 21! surgeries, making Becca's 5 look pretty measly). Little James will be losing his TennCare coverage as of January 1st. (I'm not sure why had got to keep his so long when most of us were kicked off early this year.) His mom stays home to take care of him and to shuttle him to doctors' and therapy appointments, and his dad works 4 jobs, one of which is as a public school teacher. Even with their private insurance, the co-pays and excluded items will cost a great deal of money, and they are afraid that even with dad's 4 jobs, they won't be able to cover it all.

These are not irresponsible people who have made poor decisions. They are (or at least appear to be -- I don't actually know them) hard-working people who had the misfortune of having a son born very early. (In the piece, the reporter says that he was born 5 months early, but I'm guessing what she really meant was that he was born AT 5 months - 23-24 weeks, as opposed to 20 weeks gestation. I could be wrong, and people have assumed that Becca's birthweight is a typo before, but I think I most likely would have heard about a surviving 20-weeker born in the mid-state area.) They didn't choose this path, and they are doing everything they can to give their son the best shot at living up to his potential. But then, due to "budget cuts," the state pulls the rug out from under them, and they will likely have to begin choosing from among the many therapies, appointments, and/or procedures, all of which are contribute to giving little James the best shot at a normal life - and, if you have to think about it in economic terms, the best shot at becoming a contributing member of society, functionally and financially. Sure, in the article you hear that a local business collected $1,400 for the family, and that's GREAT, but let me tell you that $1,400 will not go far. $1,400 won't even pay for 2 weeks of Becca's co-pays and excluded expenses.

I don't mention Becca's expenses and the community contribution to the Hambys to ask for pity or contributions. I mention it because it's evidence that we need a systemic, societal approach to caring the members of our community that cannot care for themselves. I don't want to get into a debate about people who other people think could or should care for themselves; I'm talking about people who flat-out can't do so. Good Lord, if we, as the wealthiest society in the world, can't care for disabled kids, what in the world is wrong with us? What's next, shooting golden retriever puppies for the fun of it? To me, this is one of the basic functions of government: to serve as a safety net for those members of society who can't meet their basic needs. And I'm also not talking about having the state pay to send Becca to Disney World or, oh, Harpeth Hall (though, HH folks, if you are reading and want to send a full scholarship our way, I'll be happy to share Becca with you in, oh, 7 years ;) ). I just want to keep my baby from being cut off from her health care.

Our private insurance does not cover any of Becca's feeding supplies (about $700/month) or her special formula (also about $700/month) or her growth hormone shots (about $1,000/month, but that will go up as her dosage increases), and it leaves us with 20% of nearly all covered expenses. 20% of her therapy costs is $822 a month (yes, that's the 20%, not 100%), leaving us with a grand total of about $3200 a month. Add in a pediatrician appointment, a visit with one of our nine specialists and a lab test of some sort (which would be a pretty slow month doctor-wise), and we're easily up to $3500. Multiply that by 12, and you've got $42,000 a year. What "normal" family can afford that kind of cash? Even if I do (crossing my fingers) find a job, we'll have to pay to put Becca in daycare full-time (and only certain daycares would accept her, mind you), which would run somewhere around $10,000 a year in these parts, which quickly tops out above the top range of my earning potential- and I have a master's degree. We have been very, very, very fortunate to be able to keep our TennCare coverage this year (for Becca - John and I don't qualify, and that's fine with us) because of our modest income, but next week I have our recertification interview. We could quite possibly lose our coverage in January, too.

Makes you think, doesn't it? Especially in a week in which Congress voted to extend tax cuts to the wealthiest Americans, essentially giving them $36,000,000,000 back in their overstuffed pockets, and to exempt the first $5,000,000 of an inheritance from estate taxes. Perhaps unfortunately for me, I don't know anyone who will benefit greatly from these breaks, as they are reserved for the wealthiest 0.1% of Americans.

I count among my readers some very conservative, very compassionate, very faithful and very generous people, whom I know interpret the role of government differently than I. Many of them would say that it's best to let people keep their own money so that they can distribute it to charitable causes as they see fit. And many of you actually put your money behind your words. But I guess I'm a realist (some of you will no doubt see me as a pessimist): I think that when left to our own devices, we hoard more than we need and we, the collected members of society, fall short in helping others meet their basic human needs. Often charitable giving is heartfelt and helpful, like the $1400 given to the Hamby family...but it's still a drop in the bucket for this family, and there are many more families like them. I have a dear friend who has long been a political and theological conservative, but lately she has tended to vote more Democratic because, in her words, she "had to stop voting based on how [she thinks] the world should be," with folks, churches, etc. giving enough to help everyone who truly needs it, "and start voting based on how the world is."

I would love to be proven wrong. If you count yourself among the super-wealthy (or if the IRS does), adopt James. Or Dax. Or Bella. Or Mary Farris. Or Becca. Cover their expenses. Go for it. I dare you. But I'm not holding my breath for you.

To the rest of you, who may not be plotting the best way to pass on your $20,000,000 estate to your kids, all I ask is that you keep these issues in mind as you ponder your political inclinations, as you vote, as you talk with friends. And if you're in Tennessee, maybe you could contact your incoming state legislators to encourage them to reinstate TennCare coverage for disabled children. Because, really, if we can't agree to help these kids, I'm afraid there is very little hope for any of us.

A Cash Family Christmas

2010-12-20T09:23:00.003-06:00

#53-62

A not-so-little niece in my lap, watching an old Christmas favorite together

A still-little nephew clapping at his own mastery of a new toy

An already-grown nephew teasing and working alongside me

A family picture so full it barely fits in the lens

A father-in-law with tears in his eyes over his grandbabies

Side-piercing laughter

Sisters- and brothers-in-law who feel more and more like family all the time

Cousins missing Ella, the reminder of how deeply she is loved by all of us

Celebrating a month of Christmases

Feeling like a full-fledged member of this crazy, dysfunctional, intensely loving family!

Oops: Making Giving Matter

2010-12-16T17:26:00.004-06:00

I found this in my drafts. Let's just pretend I posted it when I intended to post it, mkay? Thanks.

Last weekend Chris and I had a chance to teach Ella a little bit about giving.
I'll be honest; it was just plain fun!

Ella's Christmas list was a mile long this year.
Seriously.
The kid's insane! :)

We wanted her to know the fun of giving, too.
So Chris and I talked among ourselves about what might be a good gift for Ella to give each of us.
We each picked an item where we thought she could pick the specific item if we got her to the right category.
She loved it! (At least with me; I obviously don't know how she did with Chris.)
As we looked at item after item she would say, "I don't think we should get this one." or "Do you think daddy will like this?" It was sweet. And she did a very good job, too!

Then we went to Hobby Lobby and let her pick out some ornaments to paint for some other people she loves, her grandparents and one special family at church.

When we got home with the ornaments and the paint, you would have thought she was crafting something for the Louvre. She wanted each ornament to be just right. She thought at length about what should go on each one. She was careful. She was patient as we worked through the steps. She wrapped them herself (the ones we wrapped that day). And she took great pride in giving them (she still has two to give away). It was fun to watch her.

Then on Sunday, we pulled out the catalog and talked about our sponsored child.

We talked about how she's Ella's age.
We talked about how Christmas isn't about toys for some kids.
Christmas is about surviving.

We talked about how a rabbit from World Vision might help a child. What could a rabbit provide? (And she knew!) We talked about mosquito nets and what a difference they could make for some kids. We talked about medicine. We talked about school. We talked about homes.

She didn't entirely "get it."
She still wanted to send them toys and hair bows and "a good pair of shoes."
The sort of stuff that a 6 year old "thinks" is necessary for survival.
But we did it anyway.
Because you have to start somewhere.

Ella has a very generous spirit, and for that her dad and I are very grateful.
She's a sweet, thoughtful girl.
We want to raise her to take that sweet, thoughtful attitude and spread it.

We settled on school supplies from Compassion.
Somewhere in the world, a little boy or girl will be able to have books and uniforms and pencils this Christmas because our little girl is learning to make her giving matter.

When you finish up the busyness of this week, sit down with your kids and see what you can give to someone else.

If you don't have actual dollars to spend, can they sort their clothes they've outgrown?
Can you spare a few sets of dishes?

What about the toys?
Hospitals love to get "gently used" toys.
Can you "make room for the new" by giving away the old?

What about your table?
Who needs a seat for Christmas?
Who can you invite that might otherwise be lonely that day?

Find a way to make Christmas matter to someone else this year.
Trust me, it's worth it.

What's Your Favorite?

2010-12-16T17:17:00.004-06:00

Because -- hands down -- this is mine.

Enjoy my very favorite carol, sung by one of my very favorite bands.

Click here. (Because I can't figure out how to get it to load.)

You're welcome.

Merry Christmas, dear friends!

In All Things Give Thanks

2010-12-13T21:55:00.002-06:00

#40-52

A daddy who has enough thought to warn his daughter before a scary event

Sore muscles that remind me it could have been much worse

Uttering consoling words to a frightened daughter

Texts of compassion and care

A car that is still drive-able

Limping along home safely

A text to let us know Ella is safe, too

Her silly voice tonight - further assurance she is fine

The depth of love I'd never seen before

The depth of love I'd never felt before

A boss who trusts me and understands

A day to rest and recover

Learning to see 1ooo gifts in all things.

To Card or Not to Card?

2010-12-09T19:47:00.004-06:00

Chris and I have talked a little about whether or not to send out Christmas cards this year. I've never really done them, but now I have all these fun pictures of the three of us.

Wedding pictures,
family pictures,
birthday pictures,
church pictures....

There are just so many to choose from, and so many I want to show off.

So now I need your help.
Should we send them out?

I really like these choices:

But I wasn't all that excited about paying for them.

And then Shutterfly went and offered FREE cards! I've used Shutterfly before for memory books, and I was quite pleased with them. I can only imagine that their holiday cards are just as good quality.

Plus! Right now if you order a memory book, you can get 1 for 50% off. And if you spend $50, you get free shipping. These would make good Christmas gifts if you are still looking for a personal, special gift.

I don't know if you know it or not, but you can get cards other than Christmas cards, too. They have Mother's Day (if you plan that far ahead!), birthday, and other holiday cards. You can order just one card, even!

So, what do you think? Should we send out a Christmas card? Which one? Is there another one you like better? Let me know your thoughts so we can make a decision. If we’re going to do them, we need to do it soon!

Are YOU doing holiday cards this year? (and does anyone else hear the old Friends episode when I say that?)

Once Upon a Time There Was a Wedding

2010-12-03T09:00:00.000-06:00

And what a perfect wedding it was!

Chris and I had set a wedding date before we were ever engaged. When you're working with someone like Ella's mom, you have to. There's no flexibility, and it was absolutely critical to us that Ella be there. We wanted her more than "there." We wanted her to be a significant part of it.

She calls it "our wedding."
And she's right; it was "our" wedding.

When I promised her daddy I'd love him forever, I promised her the same thing.
She's not an optional accessory in this relationship.
She's my "daughter" as much with the quotes as she would be without them.
She had to be there.

So we chose August 21st.

We chose simple.

It became quite elegant.

In retrospect, I couldn't have planned the day I got if I had tried. It would never have been my vision. But every day since we got the prints back, I look at one picture

and I remember that the wedding was as full of grace, serenity, and love as this image proclaims.

This image captures not the stolen moment of the day.
It captures the whole day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Haven't had enough pictures? Here's the whole album!

The Look In Her Eye

2010-12-02T21:00:00.000-06:00

Ella and I have been dear friends since she was 20 months old.
The first moment I met her, I was in love.
She looked like the Gerber baby (I kid you not).
Precious strawberry blonde, dimples, a smile that will melt ice, and so articulate, even then.

She has always loved me.
And I have loved her.
She was - on rough days - my hiding place.
I'd go to the Cash household (loooooong before) just to be with her.
We'd play, giggle, read, snuggle, play chase.
The stresses of ministry, moving from 'home,' and being away from everyone I loved would melt when I was with her.
She called me "My Erin."

The day her mom moved her away, it ripped out a part of my heart.
The first time I saw her room, painted just for her, now empty, I wept silently.

For nearly half a year I missed her.

And then her dad and I began to date.
I saw more of Ella.
We fell in love all over again.
The first night she spent in their new house, Ella was overwhelmed, overtired, and couldn't control her own reactions.
She sobbed and cried for no apparent reason.
Several people tried to console her, to make her giggle, to distract her.

In the midst of the chaos of a new house, I scooped her up off the bed, grabbed her blanket and did what I did when she was small.
I rocked.
We turned the lights down and I just held her.
In minutes she was asleep.

"I can take her to bed," Chris said.
"Not yet."

He turned the light off and left us alone in the room, in the dark.
And I wept over her.
Over the year she'd had.
Over the trauma her little heart had known.
Over her future.

I wept tears of joy.
My Ella was Home.
While she slept, I prayed for her.
For her daddy.
For every person who would touch her life.
And I cried.

I have loved lots of children in my life.
But never this fiercely.
She is My Ella.

She took it all in stride when we told her we were dating, and then when we told her we were going to get married. She was excited about being the flower girl, about the flowers and the cake and me moving in. But she never said anything about our relationships. She just took it for what it was.

So the day of my dress fitting, I took her with me. A dear friend did all of the alterations, so we were at her house. She was running and playing with this friend's grandson. I got the dress on and my friend was pinning the hem when Ella burst into the room.

"Erin ....." she stopped dead in her tracks, took a second look, and grinned.

"Yes, Ella?"

"I love you."

With that she hugged me and was gone again.
The light went on for her that this was real.
Her Erin would always be there.
My Ella will always be mine.

Neither of us would have it any other way.

The Engagement

2010-12-01T13:54:00.007-06:00

A few weeks ago a friend who was not able to be at the wedding commented to me that she hadn't seen or heard anything about it. Why hadn't I blogged? I guess the time just got away from me and I moved to other topics on this page. My apologies!!! Over the next few days I will post some stories and pictures from some of the most incredible days of my life. I hope you enjoy (and that you're not mad I waited over 3 months!).

Erin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

June 16. (Is that right, Chris?)

It was HOT!!!

But he knew what he wanted to do, and I suspected what was to come. We had talked at length about engagement, wedding dates, a move (from one of our houses to the other), putting houses on the market, and so many other things.

The August 21st date was getting closer.
I had a dress already.
So did mom and Sheri and Annie.
Our remaining days with Ella were limited.
Chris was leaving for camp.
I knew it had to be soon.

"Let's go for a bike ride," he said.
Having completed 100 miles in May, this was not uncommon for us.

"I'll have to go home and get my bike. Should I meet you at the park?"

"Yes. I'd like to ride the Greenway trail."

So would I, dear heart.... so would I.

The Greenway had become a special place for us.
It's a nature trail between two parks, designed for running, walking, and biking.
It's the only true "green space" in this town that we both love.

By the time I got home, I was pretty sure what he was up to.
So I might have put my phone in my pack, just in case I needed it.
For emergencies.
Of course.

We rode to the end, where we always stop to let Ella get a drink (and us too when it's that hot!).
"Can we stop now, Daddy?"

"No, let's ride a little more. We'll stop in a minute."

That's when I knew.

We got to the most beautiful part of the whole ride, the bridge over the creek.
The water was low, but still deep enough to be flowing.
We stood on the bridge with Ella, tossing rocks of different sizes into the water, listening to them splash.

Ella wandered a way a little bit.

"It's so gorgeous here," I said.

"Can we go now, Daddy!? I want to ride!"

"In a minute, Ella."

"I'm glad you love this spot, because I have a question for you."

"You do?" I faked surprise with a glint in my eye.

He is on one knee, holding the ring we had chosen together, now even more breathtaking sitting in that box in his gentle hand.

"Will you marry me, Erin?"

With all of my mind I wanted to tease him with a comment such as, "I thought you'd never ask!" But my heart was captivated by him, this place, the ring, and "my" girl in the background.

I touched his face, waited just a breath, "Absolutely."

Months later I tremble at the thought of that moment.
Holy.
Sacred.
Ours.
The very first step in a lifetime of journey.
In that second he became my husband, my lifelong partner.

I avoid the word "Absolutely" now quite often.
I choose another.
Absolutely is our word.
It brings up for me that moment, that look, that thin place in this world.
The place where my husband, daughter, and I danced with the holy.

Watch

2010-11-29T08:20:00.002-06:00

Look there!
On the horizon,
Is that not the rising of the sun?

Watch.
Watch for its coming,
The Light of the world.

The day begins.
I am nervous.
This First is not one, but many:
My first Advent in this place,
My first as a parent
My first as a wife
My first as Minister to these children
My first to lead them.

I approach tenuously, afraid of making a mistake,
afraid of being called out,
afraid of messing up a long-standing tradition,
afraid of upsetting the kids,
afraid of failing myself.

It goes smoothly.
The kids do a great job.
Everyone is pleased.

Still my heart is heavy.
Choices much larger than ornaments and flowers have loomed today.
Did I make them well?

And then I hear the whisper:
Look there!
On the horizon!

Who will you seek today?

I am transformed.
The Light of the World will be my guide.

#28-39
A church full of children, thrilled to be helping beautify the worship space

Grace for mistakes made and lessons learned

Flowing dresses on little girls, beaming

Little boys in their best, feeling bigger, more responsible

An artificial dove "flying" down the aisle - a reminder of how we all want to live, but are too embarrassed

Conviction in my own lesson taught to children

Admitting my own sin

The power of "I'm sorry"

Knowing it is just 5 days until she returns to us

Preparing my heart to follow the star

Anticipation

Watchfulness

Life Well-Lived

2010-11-15T11:41:00.004-06:00

For all that this day brings, I will be grateful. It has not been that way always when facing a Monday like this one. But today, I will live by grace. I will surround my heart with gratitude. I will continue to count my gifts.

#16 Her toothless grin yelling "Daddy!" as she comes running.

#17 Finding peace in the midst of fear

#18 Sweet words from a sweet friend to make my morning

#19 The connectedness of my biological family

#20 Finding roots in my husband's family

#21 Moments like these

#22 A weekend to rest, to find my soul again

#23 A job that feeds us, but also feeds those I serve

#24 Finding hope for the hopeless

#25 The wisdom of the ages reminding me to "let my heart be broken by that which breaks the heart of God"

#26 The rustle of the last few leaves clinging to life

#27 Clinging to a Life Well-Lived today

Can you help?

2010-11-10T11:04:00.003-06:00

Just a little donation will make a world of difference.
Is there anything you can do?
Will you abandon your St@rbuck$ today?
A very sweet family needs our help.
I'll be putting the widget on my sidebar so that when this post goes further down the page (or for those of you on the Readers), you'll be able to find it easily.

Kelsey mentioned that the Chip-In meter doesn't seem to be working right now, but your donations are being counted. Every little bit matters.

Thanks so much.
And please continue to pray.

Freeing the Moments

2010-11-08T09:37:00.003-06:00

I've decided to make a list.
1,000 things for which I'm grateful.
It begins today.

#1-15
The look in his eye

Coming to life again

Tears she for the orphans of the world

Prayers being lifted for a precious little girl

Wrapping my arms around Ella on Friday

The church who loves me for who I am

The way God shows up at the Table

The honor of sharing my heart from the pulpit

The way the robe feels as I slip it on, making me less of myself and more of my God

Finally feeling rested

A day to spend alone with my husband

A sister who fought the battle and survived

Nephews who make me laugh

Dreaming with my husband about our future

Learning to free the holy moments from the constraints of this world

The Blog That is Changing My Life

2010-09-27T10:28:00.004-05:00

Ann Voskamp.
A simple wife of a farmer.
Compassion Blogger.

Her blog is called A Holy Experience.
And for me it always is.
Whether at my desk at work, surrounded by my family at home, or catching her somewhere in between those times, Ann speaks deep truths into my soul.

I thought you might want to take a daily step into the Holy with her.

Confessions of a Compassion Blogger

2010-09-24T12:09:00.002-05:00

I am a Compassion Blogger.
And I am bad at it.

I read my fellow bloggers with intensity, poring over their words about the least of these, the sweet faces the world has forgotten.

When one child gets hit by a car, it's a tragedy.
When thousands die every day, it's a statistic.

But we're overwhelmed by statistics and it's hard to know what to do.
It's hard to write about it.
It's hard to tell you stories of kids who are dying for no reason other than that they don't have the food they need.
Other than starving, they're healthy.

Since long before Chris and I ever started talking about getting married, Ella has been a huge part of my life.
She was 21 months old when we (Ella and I) fell in love with each other.
In just a few days she'll be six years old.

She's healthy.
She's well-fed.
She's brilliant.
She's sweet.

And I want her to know the world as it really is.
A gorgeous gift from our God to us.
A gift that isn't fairly divided.
A gift that we must share.
I want her to know the hurts of the world.
But at the same time I want to protect her tender heart.

How do you raise a compassionate, innocent, daughter?
How do you do help her see what SHE does?

How do you move beyond the natural greed of an American child to the unbelievable compassion of this 5 year old girl?

Compassion has been in Guatemala this month.
The place that breaks my heart.
The "home" of my soul's deepest awakenings.
The birthplace of my own conversion.

And I said not a word.
I am a bad Compassion Blogger.
THIS was my chance.
My opportunity to show you pictures and stories of the lives of children in the country I love so much.
And I said not a word.

My mind wasn't distracted.
I wasn't too busy settling in to my new life.
I wasn't intentionally avoiding the time it takes.

I was speechless.

Unless you've seen the poorest of the poor firsthand, I don't know how to tell you about them.
It's actually easier for me to talk about Africa or India or any number of places than Guatemala.
Because I've walked it.
I've smelled the stench of the dump.
I've held children who reeked of urine.
I've touched the faces of the starving.

The whole week as I read the bloggers' tales, my heart begged for people to sponsor these children.
And my heart begged for answers on how to raise Ella.
How to teach "my kids" at church.
How to live what I so desperately believe.

God, help us.
Help us parent the children who live within our walls.
And help us parent those we will never touch.

Thankful Thursday

2010-08-19T11:58:00.003-05:00

This week I'm thankful for (and want to remember!) so many things. Like:

how the hairdresser canceled on me at the last minute. Monday I had an email saying he wouldn't be able to style my hair or Sheri's. I called a friend, who happened to know a great stylist. She got me in, Sheri too, and I feel MUCH more comfortable with her than I did the original. I'm thankful for that canceled appointment.
how Chris isn't currently working. Seriously! He has been amazing this week. While I have been at work, he's baked about 30 dozen cookies (you think I'm joking!), moved my furniture, mailed thank you notes, shopped with me, shopped FOR me, planned (literally) the honeymoon of our dreams, and still managed to re-glaze a tub in his spare time. Sorry girls, but he's taken! :)
a little girl who got sick today. Ella's mom called; she threw up at school this morning. Immediately I went into a panic. What if we get it!? What do you do if you have 200 guests, a huge dress, and one bathroom? But Chris and I talked, and he reminded me that this often happens to Ella when she's under stress. She had to leave school, so she's coming a few hours earlier. Whether it's a bug or stress, I'm thankful for those extra hours.
two year old Olivia! This time two years ago I was sitting in a hospital room with the most incredible gift in the world. After three boys, Sheri got her princess. And she's definitely a princess! I'm so thankful that her mom is leaving her on her birthday to come help with the wedding.
incredible parents. This weekend, I have six of them! And every last one of them has gone above and beyond to make the little bumps in the road fun rather than stressful. I love you guys!
being exhausted from answering the same question over and over again. The most frequently heard question in the past two weeks has been, "What can I do to help?" I'm so beyond grateful for the fatigue that comes from delegating rather than from being frazzled.
financial peace. Not the study, the actual thing. Selling my house was a HUGE relief. Working out our insurance the way we did helped even more. Today, I'm thankful for the opportunity to let go of some financial worries.
Heather. Without your input, I'm not sure I would have come across this song that has become the very center of what Saturday will be. Thank you!

It's an incredible day.
48 hours from right this minute I will be someone's wife.
And in that I find deep peace.

What's Left

2010-08-16T17:29:00.002-05:00

5 sleeps
3 days of work (really more like 2 1/2)
16 things to buy at the store
2 suitcases to pack
1 rehearsal
1 near-miss on a hair appointment (more on that below)
1 best friend
1 family
1 little girl
Tons of friends

I absolutely cannot wait for Saturday. It's a rare occasion when all of the people you love (or most of them, at least!) merge in one room with you. I know that by Saturday night this Introvert will be absolutely wiped out, but Saturday afternoon is going to be wonderful. I get to share circles of people with one another, introduce Chris and Ella to people they know in stories, hug on some dearly-loved friends, show off the prettiest dress ever, and enjoy being in that place.

For once in my life.

I'm not stressed about Saturday at all. I'm not nervous, I'm not feeling pressured to get things finished, I'm not overwhelmed. I'm just looking forward to the day.

I want to soak it up.
I want to remember the moments that capture my heart.
I want to SEE the people who love us as they connect to one another.
I want to laugh.
I want to smile until my jaw hurts.
And I want to remember it all.

I am sure that things will go "wrong" on Saturday. But I don't care.
If the arrangements are sloppy, so be it - they're going to die on Sunday, anyway.
If the food runs out, I'm not going to worry - we'll have less distraction.
If it's 500 degrees, I'll sweat - but I won't worry because Photoshop fixes a lot!
If it rains, I'll enjoy the fact that not everyone gets rainy-day wedding photos and mine will be unique.

I just get this one life.
And in this one life, I just get this one day.

I want to love it.

If you're anywhere near us, come by the reception on Saturday. The info is on my facebook page. I mean it. We intentionally opened the reception up to anyone who wanted to attend. We'd love to see you!

Eight Days

2010-08-13T10:05:00.002-05:00

I can't believe I have a wedding to attend in 8 days....

And it's MINE!

Sorry for the absenteeism lately; I was doing so much better. But whoever in American culture decided that planning the biggest party of your life, moving, and planning a giant vacation all to happen in the same week was OFF HIS ROCKER!

It'll be a small little outdoor ceremony.
(Please, God, let it not be 115* heat index!)
And a big huge come-and-go reception.

Then the fun begins.

Chris and I are taking a 10 day honeymoon that will include:
5 cities (6 if you include Nashville, the origination city for the flights)
4 Major League Baseball Stadiums
1 Hall of Fame
Countless sights
Tons of pictures
Amazing memories.

I'm looking forward to sharing the pictures and stories here as soon as I can. In the meantime, I'm reading your blogs but haven't been writing on my own. I have just a little on my plate! ;)

Caption Please

2010-08-01T12:48:00.002-05:00

This really bad picture of Ella and me needs a caption.
What do you say?

Wedding Planning

2010-07-26T16:59:00.002-05:00

When people found out I was engaged, I heard so many times, "Enjoy it!" And they meant it with genuine well-wishes. And, I confess, there have been parts of wedding planning that I have really enjoyed. But there are parts where I am counting down the days until August 22, just so August 21st is behind me.

I'm pretty sure this is the biggest thing I've ever planned.
I also hope it's the biggest thing I EVER plan.
So many people have wanted to help, and I am beyond grateful for their help. There's no way I could do this alone!

The problem with having so many people offer to help is that I can't keep track of who I've told what. And then people feel left out, or get their feelings hurt, or are angry with me because they don't feel prepared.

I hear the phrase quite often, "It's your wedding! You should be able to do what you want."
And no one is telling me what to do.
But I do have people that I love dearly that I want NOT to feel shunned.
So I try to include them. (Thanks, mom, for teaching me hospitality - I mean that!)

And in the end, all that matters to me is marrying this man.
I don't care if I get one gift.
I don't care if the cake falls over (except that it's really, really yummy!).
I don't care if Ella stains her dress with strawberry juice.

I care about being surrounded by the people who are going to be there when we have hard days.
I care about the vows I will speak to him that day.
I care that those gathered with us recognize their role in our lives, separately and together.

So when someone gets left out, it's not because I intend it to happen. It's probably because 1) I think I can handle this project on my own, (which we all know I can't) and 2) the tiny details are not my priority. If the strawberries don't get cut in half on Friday, we'll just have half as many strawberries!

I wanted to write this down because there's a little girl who is going to have her own wedding some day. She's going to have at least three families to deal with. She's going to have stress and hopes and frustrations and fears. I want to remember how I feel right now, so that maybe I'll be able to understand her a little bit better when it's her turn. I want to remember the way my emotions feel like the river rapids churning over the rocks and yet underneath them there is a serene ebb and flow of peace.

I am 100% positive I am making the right decision.
Not a single thing in my life has ever felt so sure.
No matter how the waters churn in the next 3 weeks, 5 days, at the end of it, I will be united with my best friend, my confidant, my strength, my source of life and hope and joy and peace.

My prayer is that the calm running underneath will soothe my weary soul as we take our first steps of this life together.

Character & Reputation

2010-07-23T10:19:00.003-05:00

Have you ever had someone attempt to make you look like someone you're not?

Recently this has happened to me. I have been called names, been accused of doing things I haven't done, and basically been drug through the mud.

And it hasn't really bothered me at all.
This is a big change for me.

In years past, I would have been severely wounded by words that were so obviously meant to hurt me. But as I thought more and more about it, I realized I have nothing to prove.

And I found a lot of peace in that.

When I took some time to reflect on why it didn't bother me like it has in the past, I realized it's rooted in a phrase I once heard:

If I take care of my character, my reputation will take care of itself.

I realized it doesn't bother me because my character speaks for itself, aside from what anyone says.

Good or bad.

If someone sings my praises at work but my clients are not cared for, the truth will come out eventually when clients don't have the things they need.
And if someone accuses me of things that are completely outside of what people expect, my character speaks for itself. I have spent a lifetime building a character that is honest, pure, trustworthy, and genuine, then the untruth will not resonate.

Sure, some will believe it.
Those in search of a story to tell.
Because what's more scandalous than someone acting completely out of character? That's grounds for lots of conversation!

But my reputation will stand on its own.

I've known this for a long time. It hasn't changed anything for me. So why am I suddenly concerned about it?

Because I'm about to be a step-mom. I'm about to be intricately involved in the spiritual formation of a little girl I've loved since I moved to Paducah.

I want her to be this kind of woman when she grows up. I want her to live a life so full of integrity that when people say hurtful things of her, her character will speak for itself. When her reputation is damaged, I want her character to step up and fill the void.

And even more than that, I want her to find the same kind of peace I have found. I want her to have the confidence that she has done only good things and no one can change that. No matter what they say.

I also want to teach her to be a woman who looks at character before she speaks. I want her to be slow with her tongue and generous with her judgments. I want her to look at the people around her and see them for who they are, rather than for who the story may say they are.

Because that is part of her character, too. I want her to be known as a woman as intentional as her daddy is. I want her to find the confidence I have found. I want her to keep her gentle, accepting spirit that pervades her interactions with her peers right now.

I am both honored and scared to death to take on this daughter.
She means the world to me.
I couldn't love her more if she shared my DNA.
I can only pray that her dad and I will continue to be this intentional as she grows.

My Heart Today

2010-06-24T16:06:00.002-05:00

It is VBS week around here, and it has been absolutely fantastic. The kids have been wonderful, loving, obedient, and excited. The parents have been more than willing to step in and help. I really couldn't have asked for a better week at First Christian.

And as I was commuting between offices for my "real job" today, my heart began to break. For whatever reason, the magnitude of what we've done to the Gulf (yes, WE have, not just BP!) in the past 67 days has broken my heart.

See, it's not just Obama or BP or the drillers or the scientists who can't figure it out. It's me. It's you. We're the ones driving our cars around out of convenience, not demanding better forms of fuel. We're the ones throwing away our plastics instead of recycling them because it's easier than carrying them home if there's no bin. We're the ones grilling out because food just tastes better cooked over charcoal (and it does!).

I am just as much at fault for this as anyone with a six- or seven-figure income.

When I look at the pristine white sands, now streaked with oil, I want to cry out, "God, forgive me."

Forgive me for what I've done to this world by my own selfishness.
Forgive me my lust for convenience.
Forgive me my willful disobedience of your command to care for the creation.

What can we do to stop this?
Surely there is something WE can do.
SOMEONE must have an idea about how to stop this spill.

Any thoughts?

My heart needs to find a way to make a difference, rather than soak up the news like the fish and birds are soaking up the oil.

We Did It!

2010-06-04T13:15:00.002-05:00

100 miles in the Month of May!

The post is a few days late, but we did finish it in May.

National Bike Month, vol. 3

2010-05-12T08:34:00.002-05:00

When I go biking, I repeat a mantra of the day's sensations: bright sun, blue sky, warm breeze, blue jay's call, ice melting and so on. This helps me transcend the traffic, ignore the clamorings of work, leave all the mind theaters behind and focus on nature instead. I still must abide by the rules of the road, of biking, of gravity. But I am mentally far away from civilization. The world is breaking someone else's heart. ~Diane Ackerman

The hardest part of raising a child is teaching them to ride bicycles. A shaky child on a bicycle for the first time needs both support and freedom. The realization that this is what the child will always need can hit hard. ~Sloan Wilson

Current mileage: 31.4 miles this month. And you?

A fact for today: Riding your bicycle 3 hours a week can reduce your risk of heart disease and stroke by 50%.

National Bike Month, Volume 2

2010-05-05T09:46:00.002-05:00

A few facts to motive you (and me) to ride this month:

Cycling burns 600 calories an hour
On a bicycle you can travel 3 times faster than you can walk, for the same amount of energy.
On a bicycle you can travel up to 2577.5 miles on the energy equivalent of a single gallon of gasoline. (that's some SERIOUS mpgs!)
Twenty bicycles can be parked in the same space taken up by one car.
Cycling is great exercise: leisurely cycling (around 12 mph) burns calories at the same rate as very brisk walking (faster than 4mph)

*Facts taken from the University of Aberdeen.

National Bike Month

2010-05-03T08:41:00.002-05:00

I'm going to see how many miles I can log on my bike this month. Care to join me? I've got a head start though -- yesterday I rode 11.5 miles.

Why Bike? Here are just two statistics:
A 150-pound cyclist burns 410 calories while pedaling 12 miles in an hour-almost the equivalent calories of a McDonald's Quarter Pounder®. A 200-pound cyclist burns 546 calories while going 12 miles per hour-almost the equivalent of a Big Mac®.

The Surgeon General’s Report on Physical Activity and Health said, "Physical activity of the type that improves cardiovascular endurance reduces the risk of developing or dying from cardiovascular disease, hypertension, colon cancer, and type 2 diabetes and improves mental health. Findings are suggestive that endurance-type physical activity may reduce the risk of developing obesity, osteoporosis, and depression and may improve psychological well-being and quality of life."

So, GO!

How a Little Thing Can Change a World

2010-04-09T11:34:00.004-05:00

It cost them $499.

Money they could have spent on themselves.
Or their (nearly) 5 children.

Or they could have given it to Compassion, one of the ministries they love.
But they didn't.
They bought an iPad instead.

And now they're giving it away.

When I read that, my first instinct was to say, "They should have just given the money to Compassion. Surely that would make better sense."

But Jennifer is smart! And she turned it into a contest instead. She hoped it would bring in $2,000, maybe, for Compassion's Child Survival Program.

To date, they've raised over $17,000!!!!

Their $499 turned into $17,000 for children and mothers most at risk in Compassion areas. They could have changed a life or two with their $499. Instead, they are changing an entire program worth of kids and moms.

Do you want to help?
Do you want to win an iPad?

I don't get extra entries for doing this.
I don't even care about the iPad; I probably wouldn't use it anyway.

But I do love the work of Compassion, and I am beyond excited about what God will be able to do when we all come together. Their contest closes at midnight, eastern time, tonight (Friday). And you have to enter through their website in order to be added into the total we're giving.

So here's the link again.

For whatever reason motivates you,
give a little to this powerful event.

Together we can change the lives of countless kids and moms.

Dark Days and Brighter Hope

2010-04-05T13:59:00.002-05:00

If you read the archives of this blog you know that the past year or 18 months have had some pretty dark days. You know that I had days where my heart was in pieces. You know that so often I left the details of the problems out. I did it for several reasons. The biggest was that I was working for a church and I didn't want everyone there to know the depths of my darkness. But the other reason was because sometimes it's just too hard to name it. To state it. To claim that life is darkness. Because to claim the darkness is to admit that there may not be light in the future.

I have come through those days. If you see me in person and ask how I am, a smile will usually spread across my face and I will respond with "I am doing really well. How are you?" It is because I have known the dark days that the hope on this side seems even brighter. The smile is genuine. The statement is not the standard answer "I'm good" that we so often pass on to one another. I really AM good. And I'm soaking in it like the first warm sunshine of the spring.

The journey from darkness to light that I have recently tread and the nature of my job have softened my heart to others walking their own dark days. Today I was pointed to a woman named Sheri (not My Sheri)who is struggling. Her body and her career have betrayed her and the more she tries to regain control, the further it seems to slip from her grasp. This week she asked for help.

Initially I went to her page because I wanted to enter her contest. But I clicked the link where she asked for help (above) and I heard myself in her words. I heard the fear, the frantic frustration, the hopelessness, and the tears she undoubtedly sheds. I've known that darkness and I know how the simple "I'm praying" comments made such a difference.

So now I'm asking you to do that again. Do it for Sheri. You did it for me, and it changed my life. Will you do it for her, too? And hey! You might just win a camera for taking a minute to support someone else.

Join Us!

2010-03-17T09:07:00.003-05:00

If you haven't seen the conversation starting up in the comments on my last post, take some time now and read them. Please add your voice to the discussion. Whether you're a minister, go to church regularly, or haven't darkened the door in years, I want to know what you think about the issues on the table.

Thanks!
Erin

An Open Letter to Trace Haythorn

2010-03-13T20:11:00.002-06:00

Dear Trace,

I very much enjoyed your article and am so glad you're asking these questions. As one of those women who made up the 50% at her seminary, I ask them too. It is both alarming and startling that the number of women in senior ministry positions has stagnated. I want to give you a little bit of insight from a young female in ministry.

This is just me, but I haven't the slightest desire to be a senior pastor. I wonder if that isn't part of the situation women my age are facing. Are the numbers of women in associate positions growing? How do those women feel about their positions of leadership? Are they satisfied with their vocation, or do they aspire to the senior pastor's office? For me, my conviction about senior pastoring has to do with how I go about ministry, which I believe is directly related to my gender.

For me, ministry is intensely personal. Every meeting I lead, every lesson I prepare, every pastoral care visit I make is about connecting with the person/people in the room. It is about being Christ to them in that moment. From my perspective, this is simply impossible in the senior pastor's role. There are just too many things to juggle. How can I even possibly be intimately connected to the struggle of a parishoner in the hospital and 15 minutes later have myself completely immersed in the annual budget review, all while allowing next Sunday's worship to churn in the back of my mind? For me, I can't. And so I have chosen the Associate role.

As an associate pastor, I am freed from some of the responsibilities of the senior pastor. I am allowed to prepare to teach without having an inkling of concern about the budget, or the upcoming Elder board meeting, or having the parking lot repaved. I have the time to be completely present in each instance. That freedom is not one I take lightly, and it certainly is not that I shy away from long or challenging work. It is, rather, that I feel most like a minister when I can invest myself entirely in the moment.

You raise the question of mentors, and I respond with an emphatic YES! We need them -- desperately! If you can figure out how to help women who are currently in ministry connect with women preparing for ministry, I believe you will have done a great thing for the church as a whole. Again, women are intimate creatures, and we need one another. We need to know that we are not alone in "filling the cracks" in the stained glass ceiling. Please help us find one another. And help us find the time and the tools to connect.

You ask what you, the Fund for Theological Education, can do for women who find themselves banging their heads against another ceiling. I do believe that some congregations are still not ready for women in ministry. Even in denominations and churches that - theologically and constitutionally - support women in ministry, it is entirely different once that woman is in her role. Not all congregations understand that women are not men. I realize that sounds petty and trite, but what I mean is related directly to what I said earlier: I do ministry differently from my male counterparts. Many congregations expect ministry performed by a woman to be the same ministry performed by a man, and oftentimes it just is not. I suspect that this is part of the issue where women are found to be leaving the ministry.

Whatever it is that will solve the problem, I am so grateful that you are trying to find answers. And you have begun that by asking some excellent questions. Please continue to search for answers and then to formulate those answers into tools for women. The church needs women to serve as much as women need to serve.

Honored to serve,
Erin

Thoughts on Being Lost

2010-02-24T08:29:00.002-06:00

I don't usually blog about television, but last night's LOST episode had me replaying scenes and freeze-framing spots to try to figure things out. This morning, I have some thoughts and I just had to join in the conversation.

1. Love me some Hurley. How cool was he this week? Some personal favorite lines: "I'm a Candidate. Why don't YOU go back to the courtyard?" "Very old school, man." "I just lied to a samurai."

2. Claire. It's clear to me that we're supposed to see her the same way we saw Rousseau. Yeah, I get that. But does anyone else find her hard to believe as the craziest one on the island? I'm not sure if it's the British accent or her minuscule size, but yeah, I'm not buying it. That is, until she threw an axe into an innocent guy's heart. And who taught her to stitch up a wound like that? (perhaps her father?)

3. Reflections. Did you notice how many there were this time? Jack in the mirror at home, Jacob gazing into the Siloam-like pool, David's pictures on the mirror, the lighthouse wheel.

4. WHO THE HECK IS COMING TO THE ISLAND? I have some options:
Desmond (though I can't figure out why he would be),
Widmore (because he hasn't shown up in a while and we don't really have any resolve of his story line),
Eloise (this is my guess because the lighthouse wheel looks so much like the image on the floor of her lab/house/study/chambers/lair.
The only problem with Eloise is that Jacob says, "HE'LL find another way to get here." One other option I've considered is that perhaps Walt is on his way. How many times in his tenure on the show did people mention that he was special? Or that he had a gift? (Hmmm.... sort of like Dagon says of Jack's son.)

Ok, and here's the icing on my LOST cupcake for the week.
On the lighthouse wheel, we see"Kwon" (a bunch of crossed out names) "15 Ford" "16 Jarrah" (a bunch of crossed out names) "23 Shepard". Jack is 23. It's his number.

4,8,15,16,23,42. Six numbers, Oceanic Six. Including Sayid, Jack, and Kwon. If that's the case "Kwon" isn't Jin; it's Sun. The only problem with my theory is that Sawyer wasn't a part of the Oceanic Six. Any thoughts on this?

The other question it begs is "who will be left?" If these are candidates, which of the numbers will become whatever/whoever they are candidates "for"? I foresee a lot of death this season.

Discipline

2010-02-18T15:08:00.003-06:00

Lent began yesterday with Ash Wednesday.
This year I am committing myself to a life of discipline.

Over the years I have tried many things to keep me mindful of the coming Holy Week and Easter celebrations, but more often than not, they prove simply to frustrate me. It's not that I don't learn anything from Lenten sacrifices of chocolate, drive-thrus, or excessive spending; it's that I end up feeling like it's just that - a sacrifice. It is rarely a discipline I'm attempting to develop, it's a means to an end. Can I beat the challenge? Can I "make it" to Easter?

And when I do, bring on the celebration! It's a drive-thru chocolate shopping spree on Monday morning.

I thought long and hard this year about what I could "give up" as I prepared for the Easter season, but - to be honest - I just wasn't feeling it. Nothing seemed like a big enough sacrifice. And yet nothing seemed "easy" enough, either. I wasn't sure that I could be disciplined enough to master it.

And that's when I realized that what I needed to do was find some discipline in my life. I have committed to cultivating it this season in hopes that I will feel more like I am living my life and less like life is running me over.

I want to be intentional about who I am.

Not only is the well of my life dry, but it is also very shallow. I feel like I have no reserves - nowhere to draw strength - and that doesn't feel very much like me.

I have always been a woman who knew what she wanted and how she was going to get it. I treasure my relationships immensely, but I don't need them to make me feel fulfilled. I have found myself in the last year getting my identity wrapped up in all the wrong things.

It ends this season.

By Easter I want to be living as the Lenten picture depicts - traveling a road that is parallel to the wall and the dangerous sea, rather than attempting to ramrod through the wall only to discover the turbulence beyond its protection. The road is twisted and winding, but it is peaceful and safe on that side of the wall.

Lent is a journey.
It is a season of our lives.
And this season I am on the journey to find some discipline.

Will you join me?

Spring Has Arrived!

2010-02-17T11:11:00.002-06:00

This is the day I have been waiting for since October. Spring is really, truly here now. I cannot say it any better than this:

(excerpts taken from an mlb.com article by John Schlegel)

To connect with more than a century of history, to actually feel the flip of the calendar, to know exactly what time it is in your own life, three simple but distinct clues are about emerge, starting officially Thursday:

The smell of the grass.
The pop of the glove.
The crack of the bat.

With those sensory delights, baseball begins anew, and awakens us all to a new year with baseball in Florida and Arizona. And, just like every year, isn't it about time?

********************

If you've been a baseball fan long enough, you can take it all in by closing your eyes and imagining what's already been done, time and time again, year after year, but never before like 2010. It might be snowing outside where you are, but it's spring in your baseball heart.

At every camp, the emerald fields will be pristine, the ballplayers jogging early in the morning, running through drills -- all on a blanket of not frozen tundra or piles of snow but beautiful, green grass, sending off the unmistakable scents of spring. It's a scent so strong and so poignant that it can be smelled in places like Pittsburgh and Baltimore, right through this crushing winter's wind.

Ahhhhhhh.

At every camp, early in the morning as workouts begin, two lines will form in the outfield grass and the greatest players on earth will go through the same routine performed on every Little League field: playing catch, echoing in the morning sun with a glorious symphony of ball meeting glove.

Pop!

At every camp, batting cages will be buzzing with early-arriving hitters and pitchers running through their own rotations of bunting and batting practice, with more and more of that work moving outside as the days go along, position players descend on the camps early next week and time heads toward the exhibition season.

Crack!

And at every camp, one quality will be shared by everyone: sunny optimism.
Every team has it now. Every team is in it now.

**********************

Wherever it all ends, it all starts with those first moments of camp Thursday, those first official steps on the field, those first lineups of catch, those first swings in the cage.

A new chapter in history is about to be written. The calendar is really, truly flipped now. It's that time of life for every baseball fan.

The smell of the grass.
The pop of the glove.
The crack of the bat.

Ahhhhhhh.
(taken from mlb.com)
***********************

Welcome back, boys! Welcome back. I've missed you. The winter has been long and dreary, icy and cold. Knowing that today you're donning the red and white logo I've been raised to love, it feels a little warmer outside. The sunshine is just a bit brighter. And I'm certain the grass is definitely greener.

Did You Know?

2010-02-12T07:31:00.003-06:00

This fascinates me. I'd love to get a discussion going on it. Watch the video, and then let's talk. And if you're in a reader, it's worth the click over.

What do you think? Is it a good thing that we're exploding like we are? What do we do with it? Is there a sense of responsibility that we carry? How so?

February 2 is Coming!

2010-01-30T11:32:00.001-06:00

You do NOT want to miss the last season of LOST.

At Long Last

2010-01-25T16:54:00.002-06:00

Happy New Year!

On January 1, 2010, this precious boy ....
made his way into our world.

And made ME an Aunt!

He is 8 pounds, 6 ounces of pure love, and none of us can get enough of him!

Welcome to our world, Finley Thomas! We love you!

Reposting This

2010-01-17T18:45:00.003-06:00

I am reposting this from A Life Outside the Box. Please do what you can, even if it is just to repost this again on your blog. The more we can do to help, the faster the people of Haiti can begin to feel some peace.

****************************

The concerns right now are that the food, fuel, water, and supplies will soon be running out in Haiti. This shortage is what will directly impact the orphanages there. An easy way to help Children of the Promise (Jac's former orphange) is through Adoption Ark. By shopping online through the link provided, you are able to purchase items most needed by COTP, and ship them directly to Agape Flights in Florida. Agape flies into CapHaitian and delivers them straight to COTP. This not only saves time, but you are also able to ship any order over $25 for FREE. Just follow the easy instructions on the page. I know they would certainly appreciate it as supplies begin to dwindle and things become desperate.

Also please be in prayer RIGHT NOW for For His Glory Orphanage. Many of my friends are desperately trying to get their children home from this orphanage. For His Glory released this news bulletin a little bit ago:

URGENT CALL FOR PRAYER
We received word from Pierre this morning that the situation in the orphanage is becoming dire. We would like to ask EVERYONE that receives this to use this information to get on your knees before our Lord and ask Him to provide.
We have one nanny that is deceased and the orphanage needs her body to be removed.
The orphanage has no drinkable water.
In addition they need:

*
formula for babies
*
medicines
*
IV fluids (one child is currently on an IV)
*
charcoal to cook
*
diesel
*
cash to buy supplies if they find them. They are running out of cash and there are no banks open to get cash, so it needs to be delivered by someone already on the ground or by helicopter.

Others are beginning to rob them of what supplies they do have.
There are helicopters flying over the orphanage and they have made a sign on the roof that says they are an orphanage and need help.
The staff is also working to get together all the paperwork for each child that has an adoptive family in a way that it can be attached to their body if there is an opportunity to evacuate.
For His Glory is doing everything we can on this end to contact people who may be able to help. Please pray. Currently, that is the best thing you can do to help. Kim is doing everything she can, and respectfully requests that adoptive families do not call her at this time. We realize this is a very difficult time, however she needs her phone and time available to do everything she can to make contacts to try to help the children and staff at the orphanage. We will give you any updates we have as soon as they are available.
Trusting in Him,
For His Glory

God help us your people, as we become Your hands and feet to the people of Haiti....

Haiti Earthquake Relief

2010-01-14T19:50:00.004-06:00

I am a Compassion Blogger.
But I've really struggled today with blogging about the Haiti Earthquake.

Because I don't know what to say.

How do you motivate people to soften their hearts to a nation in so much pain that we can't fathom? Yes, we had Katrina and 9/11 and Pearl Harbor and other tragedies. But we have a usable infrastructure. And we have resources. And our nation is HUGE, geographically, so we can get things from other parts of the country. And we're not destitutely poor. (yes, English majors, I made that word up!) We know what it means to suffer, but we cannot even fathom what it means to be Haitian right now.

To say that my heart breaks for the people of Haiti is both a slap in the face to their suffering and an understatement.

My heart does not "break" -- because I am not walking the streets lined with rotting bodies.
Their hearts break.
Their lives have been shattered.

Where do you turn when you live on an island? What do you do when your only airport runs out of fuel for planes, so help can't get to you? What do you do when the roads buckle, making transportation to your only neighboring country nearly impossible?

I saw one man on CNN this morning who said he was just walking the streets because he had nowhere to go. His home and the homes of everyone he knew had been destroyed.
No church.
No hospital.
No government.
No stores.
No restaurants.
No gas stations.
No banks.
No phones.
No email.
No water.
No food.
No news coming in about when the help will arrive (or if it will).

How do we keep ourselves from stagnating?
For starters, we give.

Compassion has been at work in Haiti for over 30 years. They work through the local church (how very Baptist of them!), which means that they didn't have to figure out how to get the helpers into the country. They were already there.

They just need our resources.
They need us to reach our hands across the internet to join forces with them.
Even if our lives allowed it, we cannot go to Haiti right now.
But we can send our hearts to those who are there.

If every person in America were able to give just $1.00 to Haiti, just one time, that country would have almost 3.5 times what Obama promised to the country from our government. We know that not everyone CAN give, so when you do, throw in a few extra dollars for those people who cannot give.

And pray.
Pray for the children who have lost their parents - either temporarily or permanently.
Pray for the parents who are now childless.
Pray for Compassion.
And the countless other organizations pulling together every last bit of water and food and bandaids they can find.
Pray for the workers, digging through countless miles of concrete rubble in hopes of finding just one more person alive.

Pray for mercy.
Pray for speed.
Pray for peace.

The world is watching right now.
What will we do for our neighbors?
Will we give them our crumbs from the table?
Or will we invite them to sit with us and feast in God's Kingdom?

You can provide immediate relief today.

$35 helps provide a relief pack filled with enough food and water to sustain a family for one week.
$70 gift helps care for their needs for two weeks.
$105 helps provide relief packs filled with enough food and water to sustain two families for two weeks.
$210 gift helps care for two families’ needs.
$525 helps provide relief packs filled with enough food and water to sustain 10 families for two weeks.
$1,050 gift helps care for 10 families’ needs.
$1,500 helps rebuild a home.
$2,100 helps supply 20 families with the basics for three weeks.

Let's be Jesus' hands and feet to Haiti right now.
Go.

If You Have To Pee,

2010-01-05T23:58:00.002-06:00

go before you watch this video.

Otherwise you might wet your pants.

Kelli and Joe -- you crack me up!

I have much to share, but not now. Maybe soon, though? :)

A Month!?!?

2009-12-19T20:17:00.002-06:00

How has it been a month already?

Just a day or two after I last posted that quote from Lincoln, I resigned my position at Immanuel. I am changing careers - for now. I needed a break. I needed to take some time to feed my soul and figure out what it means for me to be a Minister. I say that with a capital M because I believe we're all called to be ministers. And my Minister status doesn't make me any more of a minister than you are. It just means it's also my "name" - the name given to me by a very special church in Atlanta. A place that taught me that the church is wretched and terrible and very, very wonderful. I've seen all of that. And right now, I need to be a minister while I figure out where God is leading me to be a Minister.

So I'll be serving some of the most neglected women in our society. I'll be with victims of domestic abuse. Day in and day out I will work with them to find some financial freedom in their lives. It's daunting and overwhelming and exciting. I'm looking forward to diving in headfirst on Monday.

But today is not Monday.

Today the Christmas shopping is officially finished, my office at church is officially cleaned-out, my computer files are officially transferred.

And I am quite peacefully enjoying my evening.

Because this is the God I serve:

Words to Live By

2009-11-20T11:12:00.000-06:00

If I were to try to read, much less answer, all the attacks made on me, this shop might as well be closed for any other business. I do the very best I know how - the very best I can; and I mean to keep doing so until the end. If the end brings me out all right, what's said against me won't amount to anything. If the end brings me out wrong, ten angels swearing I was right would make no difference.
-Abraham Lincoln
Source: The Inner Life of Abraham Lincoln: Six Months at the White House by Francis B. Carpenter

I want to live my life this way.
I want to be a woman deeply committed to finding what my heart says is right and living it out, doing the best I can, as long as I can, until the end.

Not Me!

2009-11-18T17:45:00.005-06:00

It certainly isn't the case that I would EVER thief chocolate from a fellow minister's office. That would just be wrong.

And it most certainly isn't the case that I would rifle through that chocolate in search of my beloved Reese*s Cups. But if I did just so happen to have a few of those Reese*s cups in my car with me for a drive to St. Louis on Wednesday, I most DEFINITELY would never let them sit near the heater and get too soft and gooey to eat. Reese*s are far too valuable for carelessness like that!

But if it did just so happen that I was in the car with a few Reese*s cups that just might have been too soft to eat, I NEVER EVER would have stuck them between the sunroof and the sliding cover to chill them with the cool November air so I could eat them without making a mess. That would just not be civilized.

And NEVER would I EVER reach up to grab my now-resolidified Reese*s cups to enjoy and accidentally shove them back further, making them impossible to reach. Nope! Not me!

But if there just so happened to be a Reese*s cup lodged in my sunroof, there is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY I would ever fish it out when I got to my stopping point and eat it anyway. I don't know who you're talking about, but it certainly wasn't me!

Remembering Dale.

2009-11-15T20:24:00.000-06:00

I lost a dear friend today in Dale Clemens. About 3:00 this morning, Dale came face to face with the Great Mystery he has spent his life serving and seeking. We knew it was coming - he has been sick for a very long time. But, as Jamie often says, death still always catches us by surprise.

It's funny how much I've missed him today. Because of his ailing body and living in different states, we haven't spoken much in the last several years. Today ticked on like any other Sunday. Except that it wasn't any other Sunday.

The man who was partly responsible for me standing in that pulpit, comfortable wearing the title "Reverend," was gone. My heart felt like a piece of it had been torn out. There was a "Dale Shaped Hole" in my heart today.

That void was compounded by the fact that today was very, very busy. A chock-full kind of day at the church. One of those days that makes me remember that you cannot do this job if you do not absolutely love it to the very core of your being. I needed some time alone. A chance to reflect, to miss him, to prepare my heart for his funeral this week. And it just wasn't happening.

And then I met Renee.

I listened skeptically at first. I'm not a fan of country music and Renee Martin has made her living with "The Greats" like Faith Hill and Tim McGraw. On this day of a Dale-Shaped Hole, I did not want to soften my heart to hear her.

She talked about the God-Shaped Hole in our hearts. That's great, I thought, I'm so glad God can fill that. But what about the Dale-Shaped Hole? And the Hole left by my grandparents? And the Hole left in the realization that I have no family to sit with at Dale's funeral (my parents are on vacation, out of the country)? It just wasn't enough for me.

I began to feel the tears burning at my eyes. I held them at bay as she talked. But then she sang. I closed my eyes and allowed the silent tears to roll down my cheek. She sang these words about the man who led her to Christ:

You’ve been Jesus to me
He’s wrapped His arms around me with the love you’ve given me
You’ve been Jesus to me
And I will never be the same
He’s loved me through and through-Through you
You’ve been Jesus to me

God knew that I would need someone to show me
What love that lasts forever’s all about
And so He sent a part of Him to love me
Another gift of life that I could never live without

If I had one more opportunity to speak to Dale, I would tell him exactly what Renee sang. When I was just a kid of 7 or 8 years old, he answered all of my questions - sometimes with the phrase, "That's what it means to have faith," but always as honestly as he could. When I wanted to go into ministry, he was there, cheering me on. When 9/11 hit and questions of sincerity and religion and God's mercy racked my brain, he sat and talked. When my beloved, sweet grandpa walked through the door of death, Dale preached his sermon with a catch in his throat and tears in his eyes. When I was ordained, he was the one person I deeply missed, for his body had already begun to fail his spirit.

For 30 years Dale has prayed for me, with me, and about me.
He has been more than my mentor.
He's been my friend.
He's been another grandfather.

He's been Jesus to me.

Well done, good and faithful servant.
I'll see you on the other side.

Perspective

2009-11-09T19:53:00.002-06:00

Today has been a strange day. I might even call it a hard day. When I'm feeling sorry for myself and frustrated with my situations, I turn to these faces, who remind me that it's all about perspective.

The day my feet touched Guatemalan soil, my life was forever changed. The people that make no difference to my culture, to my pace, to my daily life suddenly had names. They had stories. They had families and hurts and joys.

I found in them something I've never found here. I won't glamorize it and call it contentment or joy or peace. I don't know what it is, exactly, but it isn't fully those things. It's more like steadfastness. The people of Guatemala, particularly the children, just keep going. Today probably looks identical to yesterday with no promise that tomorrow will be any different.

But they live that day.
And they don't complain.
They revel in the good moments and live the not-as-good moments.

On days when I want to wallow, I am reminded that perspective is key.
I don't pity them.
I miss them.

That makes today a different day.

My Heart Tonight

2009-10-12T20:49:00.000-05:00

Second Chance Crayons

2009-10-06T15:37:00.000-05:00

Everyone has a pile of crayons like this. Even if you don't have kids, you probably have some old broken crayons lying around your house.

Try this: Take the crayons and cut off the labels with a craft knife or exacto knife, sorting them into color groups (this is a great part for the kids to do). Trust me, you want to sort them as you cut because the brown, black, blue, purple, and dark green all start to look a LOT alike without their papers.

This is where the fun begins!

Take a few pieces of crayons in whatever combination you want and put them in a baggie together. I found that three colors was about the max you could use, and contrasting colors do great together. You can also take a handful of greens, for example, and use them together.

Once your bag has about 5-6 pieces of crayon in it, find a piece of cardboard, put it on your table and whack the crayons into pieces. I used a hammer, but you could probably use a rolling pin, meat tenderizer, or some other device, too.

When the crayons are in small pieces, but not pulverized, open the bag and use your hands to scoop out the crumbs. Pour them into silicone mini baking cups. I used hearts and circles. You can put glitter in them at this point too, which obviously does nothing for the coloring aspect, but it does look fun!

Bake at 200* for about 12-15 minutes, depending on the size of the cups, until just before the crayons completely liquify. Remove from the oven and allow them to cool completely.

Viola! Second chance crayons!

Note to Self

2009-10-05T23:44:00.000-05:00

... buy ear plugs.

The street crew decided 10:00 tonight would be a good time to create a monstrous hole in the street right outside my front door.

And they're still running the Jack Hammer!!!

When You Can't Do Anything Else

2009-09-29T13:38:00.000-05:00

just breathe.

Riding and Finding God

2009-09-29T13:30:00.000-05:00

It's a gorgeous fall day - 66* and sunny with a great breeze.
I woke up, had a little breakfast and decided to start my day with a bike ride.

I popped in the iPod earphones, snapped on the helmet and set off.
And I rode and rode.
I rode the city streets.
I rode the parks.
I rode the "Greenway" that runs between the parks.
And Crowder sang into my spirit as the wind blew life into my soul.

I may have trouble praying right now, but I know where to find my God.

The Problem of Prayer

2009-09-28T18:02:00.000-05:00

I'm learning about prayer lately.
I'm learning that it's very, very hard for me to do.
I'm learning that it often feels like my soul has forgotten her Maker.

And I'm not quite sure how to get it back.
Today I've wanted to spend the day in prayer, bathing each situation with grace and mercy, hope and peace. But whether I attempt a traditional prayer method - eyes closed, attentive, spoken - or something more fluid - conversation as I go about my day, it just never felt like my heart crying out to my God.

I know it's me.
God never changes.
God never leaves us.
So it has to be me.

But I don't know how I got here, and I sure as all heck don't know how to get back.
Some would call it a crisis of faith, but it's not exactly.
A crisis of faith is more when we doubt God's power or desire to act in our lives.
I believe more than I have in a long time that God cares about me and about the road I'm walking.
I believe God is in the midst of this.
So why can't I connect?

I want to say thank you.
I want to beg.
I want to crawl up into the lap of my Daddy and tell the Creator of my heart just how it hurts.
This is the problem.

I can't seem to get myself into a posture of prayer.
It feels artificial - like talking to myself in an empty room.
Again, it's not doubt.
I don't know what it is, but it isn't doubt.

So while I seem unable to pray, would you do it for me?
And I'd welcome your help, too.
What works for you?
What helps?
When you can't find God in your midst, where do you turn?

I miss my Daddy.
I want to go home.

It's All About Comfortable

2009-09-28T17:54:00.000-05:00

Lately this song has been speaking to me. I hope it speaks to you, too.

Feed the Hungry or the Starving?

2009-09-24T12:15:00.000-05:00

I've spent a good bit of my morning researching in preparation for World Hunger Month in October.

One of the facets of my job is that I am Minister of Missions, and today that part has taken front-and-center-stage as I look to October and plan our work here in Paducah that will minister around the world.

I'm attempting to choose between working with the incredibly hungry and neglected Karamajong people through Amazima Ministries or working with the country that has been my second home. My heart cries out for the people of Guatemala on a daily basis, and right now they're starving.

But that is "MY" passion, and I want my work today to reflect what I believe needs to be the passion of this congregation.

So how do you choose?

Do you feed the hungry in Uganda?
Or do you feed the starving in Guatemala?
They both need our resources.
They both need our attention.
They both need the Light of the World as well as the seed of the Earth.

Choosing both is not the option in this case. We have designed this year's month to focus on educating ourselves about one hunger problem in the world. We'll spend 4 Sundays exploring the problems, the stumbling blocks, and the reasons it has become a problem. We'll spend 4 Sundays talking about what we can do.

You know where MY heart is.
Please pray that we - collectively as a staff - make a wise decision about where to help this October.