16 August 2009


I met God in the music today. This isn't uncommon for me. I often find unity with Christ somewhere in the intersection between note and word. It happens much more frequently than within the pages of scripture or in a sermon. God and I commune in song.

I met God in the music today. In the deep recesses of my soul, I needed to find Christ. As I prayed last night, my heart cried out, asking God for more.

I miss you, God. Show yourself to me in a new way, please. I can't seem to get there on my own. I know you're here, but my strength is so small right now.

If you read here often or if you follow me on facebook, you have tasted my struggles this summer. I envisioned a summer not at all like the one I've had. I dreamed of lazy days - enjoying the newly finished yard, the friends' pools, the stars and storms - sharing the summer with friends and loved ones. Allowing the warm season to warm my soul after a long and tiring winter.

Instead I have faced a season of heartache. This summer I have danced with anger, loneliness, confusion, frustration, sadness, disappointment, and - most recently - grief. Friday was one of the lowest days of this season for me. Having "missed" my vacation to be with my dying grandmother, it occurred to me that I had not had 2 consecutive days off in recent memory - possibly since the first of the year. Granted, I wasn't working that week I was with my family, but it was hardly a vacation, a chance for renewal, a time to get away. And on Friday, I got some difficult news. More was asked of me than I had to give. I felt trapped, like I had no choice and yet was unable.

I came home for lunch and found myself consumed by my tears. I didn't weep - I sobbed. The ugly sort of cry when you're glad you're alone because even family shouldn't have to see that! All I could say was When, God? When? When do I get a turn? When do I get a little bit of slack?

I met God in the music today.

I hear the Savior say,
"Thy strength indeed is small,
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in me thine all in all.

And there it was.
God in the midst of all that I've walked this summer.
The days of this season are fading, and today I know why.

Because I finally allowed myself to crumple at the feet of Jesus. I finally drew up enough strength to tell God how very weak I was. I finally found the spirit of humility I needed to realize I could not do this alone.

I met God in the music today.
Child of weakness, watch and pray.....


Erin McPhee said...

I am always so amazed at how eloquent you are ... you are able to put to words things that, for so many of us, are impossible to give words to. I am blessed to be your friend! I love you!

Greta Jo said...

Oh E! I am weeping for you. You are such a talented lady. You are so honest and real. Thank you!

Come see me in NJ