Keeping a Holy Lent: Day 14

Some days the journey is hard.
Today is one of those days.

I have tools for the hard days.
Today I didn't have them with me.
I didn't have my physical tools,
but more importantly,
I didn't have the emotional tools.

Physically, some things will help me to slow a panic attack:
a few peppermints,
a warm blanket,
a small snack,
a Xanax,
some ginger ale.

Those can help me get past the worst of it.
But they don't help me get "over" it.
To get over it, I need my emotional tools.

A good long hug from Chris,
some space to be alone,
a few key people to text,
some tools from my therapist,
a walk,
a prayer.

Today I couldn't dig deep enough to get to them.
Chris was 30 minutes away and the others were just too hard.
I couldn't focus.
Couldn't draw myself out of the pit of my own making.

Days like today feel long,
they feel hopeless,
they feel like this is going to be a new normal.

But ...

But Lent reminds me that this awful time,
this chance to learn more about myself ...
it isn't the end.

For Jesus, the wilderness was just the beginning.
For me, days like today are just a hurdle in the race.

I serve a Jesus who wandered the wilderness.
I serve a Jesus who was murdered.
I serve a Jesus who was resurrected.

Days like today may feel like they are going to consume me.
Like placing my soul in a tomb.
But I know that the tomb is not the end.

Somewhere on the other side of this wilderness,
there is new life.
Somewhere on my journey, there will once again be a time when I can say,
"It's been 2 or 3 months since I had a panic attack."

I know that because it has happened time and again.
I know it because Chris continues to remind me.
On my worst days, when I feel like I can't do it,
he tells me, "You've survived all of the ones before.  You can do this."

I don't like the process.
I don't want to wander the wilderness.
i want a cure -
a quick fix.

But that is not in the cards for me.
At least not right now.

And so, I walk the wilderness.
Knowing that I do not do it alone.
Jesus has gone before me.
And Jesus walks with me now.

Someday, days like today will be a memory.
I will not forget to cherish the lessons I have learned.